A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”
The grasshopper looks at the bartender, with a look of extreme confusion on his face, and says, “You have a drink called Steve?”
I was trying to decide what to do for a talent show I planned to enter.
Trusting my mother to help me out, I asked, “For the talent show, what do you think I should do, sing or put on a comedy act?”
“What’s the difference?” she asked.
Billy and John were given a toboggan for their birthday. After they had been out playing in the snow, Billy was in tears.
“Now, John,” said his father, “I told you to let Billy use the toboggan half the time.”
“And I did,” said Billy. “I had it going down, and he had it going up.”
It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer!
The custodian of a church quit. The pastor of the church asked the organist if she would be able also to clean the church sanctuary.
The organist thought before replying, ”Do you mean that I know have to mind my keys and pews?”
After a trial had been going on for three days, Harrison, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge’s bench.
“Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from ‘innocent’ to ‘guilty’ of the charges.”
The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. “If you’re guilty, why didn’t you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?” he demanded.
Harrison looked up wide-eyed and stated, “Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me.”
A woman called an auto mechanic to inquire when he could work on her car. “I’m not busy now,” he replied, “bring it right in.”
A short time later the woman pulled into the service bay, stopping her small car perfectly over the wide, deep grease pit.
“Wow!” remarked Wayne. “That’s great driving. Your wheels only have a couple of inches to spare on each side of the pit.”
She looked blankly at him and asked, “What pit?”
Why does the Norway Navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, “Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter”.
Esther always replied, “I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, “Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.”
Esther replied, “Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars — and 50 dollars is 50 dollars”.
The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won’t charge you! But if you say one word, it’s 50 dollars.”
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!”
Morris replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know — 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”
A man arrives at the cinema, goes in to watch the movie and is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie.
It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits.
After the movie, the man approaches the dog’s owner, “Wow, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I’m amazed!”
“Yes, I can’t believe it myself,” came the reply. “He hated the book.’’
Johnathan asked his young son, “Greg, do you think I’m a bad father?”
“My name is Andrew,” replied his son.