The patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of the recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum.
“I can’t be sure what’s wrong with you,” the doctor said. “I think it’s the drinking.”
“Okay,” the patient said. “Can we get an opinion from a doctor who’s sober?”
A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. One morning she goes down and introduces herself to the old man.
She asks, “You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?”
The old man replies, “I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth.”
The journalist is amazed. “How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?” she asks.
“Like I’m talking to a wall,” he replies.
An ant walks into a bar with his good friend Mister No, who is not an ant. The bartender says, “I’m sorry. We only serve ants here.”
The ant says, “But this is my good friend Mister No.”
The bartender says, “Sorry, but I don’t take No for an ant, sir.”
Two tugboat captains, who had been friends for years, would always cry, “Aye!” and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other.
A new crewman asked his boat’s mate, “What do they do that for?”
The mate looked surprised and replied, “You mean that you’ve never heard of… an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?”
A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be “macho,” so he went out walking with one of the hired hands. As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a conversation: “Say, look at that big bunch of cows.”
The hired hand replied, “Not ‘bunch,’ but ‘herd.'”
“Herd of cows.”
“Sure, I’ve heard of cows. There’s a big bunch of ’em right over there.”
Two opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner.
One turned to the other and said, “You know why I’m going to win this election? Because of my ‘personal touch.’ For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me.”
“Oh, really?” replied the other. “I always tip a nickel and ask them to vote for you.”
A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s banker, so the director made a phone call. “Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?”
The banker replied, “Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?”
“Um, no,” mumbled the director.
“Or that my brother is unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband left, leaving her broke with four kids?”
“I … I … I had no idea.”
“So,” said the banker, “if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?”
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to hold the giraffe, and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
Driving back from Vermont, I stopped at a vegetable stand. It was deserted except for a sleeping German shepherd.
I stepped over the dog, helped myself to some corn, then opened the cash box to pay.
Taped to the inside of the lid was this note: “The dog can count.”
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head, sits down and orders a drink.
Bartender serves the pirate his drink, and asks about the paper towel.
The pirate smiles and says, “That be the bounty on me head!”
A man went to his doctor to go over his blood work results. As soon as he entered the doctor’s office, the doctor said to him, “I just looked at your results. You are lucky that you come to see me early enough…”
The man became very nervous and asked, “What’s wrong with my blood work?”
“Oh nothing! Just that I’ll be leaving my office early today,” replied the doctor.
– If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
The oldest of three boys visiting their grandparents came out and asked his grandpa, “Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy?
“No, I don’t really want to make the sound of a frog now,” Grandpa replied.
So, the second little boy came out and asked his grandfather, “Will you please make a sound like a frog?”
Grandpa again said, “No, not now. I don’t really want to do that. I’m in a grumpy mood. Maybe later.”
Then the third little boy came out and pleaded, “Grandpa, oh please, please, please will you make a sound like a frog?”
“Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?” Grandpa asked quite annoyed.
The oldest little boy replied with a hopeful face, “Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!”