A man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”
“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”
“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
I finally realized that I needed to get in shape, so I made plans to join a club and work out for one full year. The year I picked is 2023.
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
A little boy came home eating a big candy bar. Surprised, his mom asked him where he got it.
“I bought it at the store with the dollar you gave me,” he said.
“But that dollar was for Sunday School,” his mother replied.
Smiling, the boy said, “I know, Mom, but the Pastor met me at the door and got me in for free!”
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, “You should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”
Husband replied, “I can’t believe that! Show me.”
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, “HEBREWS.”
-Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
-If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
-A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
-Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
-When I married Ms. Right, I had no idea her first name was Always.
-My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver’s test. The other two guys managed to jump out of her way.
-There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
-Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
-Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
-He who laughs last thinks slowest.
-Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
-Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
-I was going to give you a nasty look, but you already have one.
-Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
-The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don’t have to mow it.
-I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.
-I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it.
-If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
-Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
-If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
-Money is the root of all wealth.
-No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
• I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can
stop any time.
It was mealtime during an airline flight.
“Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
“What are my choices?” John asked.
“Yes or no,” she replied.
“If I had to have false teeth, mother, I’d take that pair there,” said the small boy, pointing.
“Hush, Willie,” interrupted the mother quickly, “Haven’t I told you it’s bad manners to pick your teeth in public?”
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup of the day, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. “Good heavens,” he said, “what is this?”
“It’s bean soup,” she replied.
“I don’t care what it’s been,” he replied. “I want to know what it is now?”
“What l am worried about is my height and not my weight.”
Doctor: “How come?”
“According to my weight, my height should be 7 feet, 8 inches.”
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, with his thumb over the meat.
“Are you crazy?” yells the customer. “What’s with your hand on my steak?”
“Sorry,” answers the waiter, “I don’t want it to fall on the floor again.”
Two Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench talking about how much their sons love them.
Sadie says, “You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is; he loves his mother.”
Shirley says, “That’s nothing. You know my son Stanley? He’s in therapy with a psychoanalyst in Harley Street. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me.”
• A ‘gimme’ can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers… neither of whom can putt very well