I’ve decided I’ll never get down to my original weight and I’m okay with that…After all, 6 lbs 3 oz is just not realistic.
A man arrives at a rest home for his first day. He is greeted at the door by a woman.
She says, “You look like my 7th husband.”
The man replies, “How many times have you been married?”
A guy asks his neighbor in an apartment building, “Mr Trepper, you live directly above me and you have the same 2-room apartment as I do. How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you moved in?
“We got 18 rolls,” answers the neighbor.
Two months later the guy meets his neighbor again and says, “It’s really funny – I put the wallpaper on everywhere and I still had 10 rolls left over.”
Neighbor smiles, “Yeah, so did we.“
The former President is disembarking his private plane, carrying his tiny dog.
One of his Secret Service men says, “Nice dog, sir.”
The President says, “Thanks, I got it for the former First Lady.”
The Secret Service man replies, “Nice trade, sir.”
I went to a restaurant. It was full. There was no place to sit and the wait was over thirty minutes.
I took out my cell phone, placed it to my ear, and said loudly, “Hey, get over here! She’s here with someone else!”
Six couples got up and quickly left.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo…
So I had to put my foot down.
A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”
“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom, I’ll show you how.”
Teacher: “When I was of your age, I learned very quickly and was not as slow as you are.”
Student: “Wow, you must have had a good teacher then, didn’t you?”
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don’t want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can’t they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don’t want them to know it.
A hunting party, hopelessly lost in the mountains, blamed their guide for leading them astray.
“You told us you were the best guide in Colorado!” they cried.
“I am,” he said, “but I think we’re in Wyoming now.”
Mr. Jones was sleeping soundly and was awakened by the phone ringing at 2am. He answered and the voice on the other end said, “This is your neighbor, Mr. Smith. Your dog’s barking is keeping me awake, keep it quiet!”
Then he hung up.
At 3 o’clock, Mr. Jones called back Mr. Smith and said, “I don’t have a dog.” and he hung up.
My neighbor introduced his wife to me by calling her his, “better half.”
I returned the courtesy by introducing my wife as, “the lesser of two evils.”
Two paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation.
En route, with siren going, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked, “Sir, do you know what we’re doing right now?”
The old man slowly looked up at him, then gazed out the ambulance window.
“Oh,” he replied, “I’d say about 50, maybe 55.”
Even if you are not old enough to remember the old Hollywood Squares game show, you should appreciate these answers….
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: Ask me one more growing old question, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.