One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: “Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.”
So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: “That will be $36.50 please.”
The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. “What, no drink for me?” asks the bartender.
“Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.”
••••••••••
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?”
“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained the flight attendant, “and it took us a while to find a new pilot.”
••••••••••
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, “You can’t take it with you.”
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases and then take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed so that when he died he could grab them on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
“I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement,” she exclaimed.
••••••••••
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out for the job.
“Okay,” the sheriff drawled, “Gomer, what is 1 and 1?”
“11″ he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, That’s not what I meant, but he’s right.
“What two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’?”
“Today and tomorrow.”
The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
“Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?”
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, “I don’t know.”
“Well, why don’t you go home and work on that one for a while?”
So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.
“It went great! First day on the job and I’m already working on a murder case.”
••••••••••
Degrees of blondness…
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, “How should I know; that’s 200 miles
from here,’’ and hung up.
The husband said, “Who was that?”
The wife answered, “I don’t know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.”
••••••••••
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, “Hmm, this person looks familiar.”
The second blonde says, “Here, let me see!”
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, “You dummy, it’s me.”
••••••••••
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, “No, honey, don’t do it.”
The blonde replies, “Shut up, you’re next!”
•••••••••
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, “Is my time up?”
God said, “No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live.”
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, an ambulance killed her.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn’t you pull me out ofthe path of that ambulance?”
God replied, “Girl, I didn’t recognize you.”
••••••••••
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Roberts then looks around and asks, “Now, who is going to tell the wife?”
They draw straws. Rippington picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse than it is.
“I’m the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me,” he says.
Rippington then walks over to the Smith house and knocks on the door. The wife answers, and asks what he wants.
Rippington says, “Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.”
She hollers, “Tell him to drop dead!”
“OK, I’ll tell him,’’ Rippington replies.
•••••••••
A couple of 60 year olds were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one a wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof – the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted.
He said, “I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me.”
So the fairy waved her wand and poof – the husband was 90.
••••••••••
Little Johnny comes downstairs crying. His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?”
“Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears.
“That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh?”
“I did,’’ sobbed Johnny.
•••••••••
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.
She read, “Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling, the sky is falling.’’’
The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?”
One little girl raised her hand and said,
“I think he said: ‘Holy Mackerel! A talking chicken!’”
•••••••••
“Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
- Oscar Ameringer
•••••••••
“I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.’’
- Adlai Stevenson
•••••••••
“A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.’’
- Tex Guinan
•••••••••
“I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.’’
- Charles de Gaulle
•••••••••
“Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.’’
- Doug Larson
•••••••••
“The problem with political jokes is they get elected.”
- Henry Cate, VII
•••••••••
“If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven.’’
- Will Rogers
•••••••••
“Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.’’
While Mark was shopping for pet supplies, one of the salespeople came running up to him. “Mark! Mark! I just saw someone driving off with your BMW.”
“Dear God! Did your try to stop him?.”
“No,” said the clerk, “but don‚t worry. I got the license plate number.”
••••••••••
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
A friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles.”
“She did,” he replied. “But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?”
••••••••••
This guy pulls into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure his dog had fresh air. The dog was stretched out in the back seat, and the guy wanted to impress upon he that he must remain there. The guy walked to the curb backward, pointing his finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!”
The driver of a nearby car gave the guy a startled look. “I don’t know about you, man,” he said incredulously. “But I usually just put my car in park.”
••••••••••
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, “I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.”
“Me neither doc,” said the husband. “But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.”
••••••••••
Just got backfrom the gym. They’ve got a new machine in.
Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick
It’s great though, it provides me with everything I need – KitKats, Almond Joy’s, Snickers, Potato Chips.”
••••••••••
Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
“Well, Dad,’’ said Pete, “I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”
“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.’’
“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!’’
••••••••••
A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.
St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter’s holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy. And if there is anything you need, just let me know.
Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack.
St Peter says, “Here you go” and goes to leave when the forester says “Wait minute! How come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?”
St. Peter says: “Well, foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before.”
••••••••••
One day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma’s kitchen. “Well now, where’s my bucket and where’s my water?” Gramma asked him.
“I can’t get any water from that water hole, Gramma” exclaimed Johnny. “There’s a BIG ol’ alligator down there!”
“Now don’t you mind that ol’ alligator, Johnny. He’s been there for a few years now, and he’s never hurt no one. Why, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!”
“Well, Gramma,” replied Johnny, “if he’s as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain’t fit to drink!”
••••••••••
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, “He’s 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.”
The next-door neighbor protested, “Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children.”
The wife replied, “Yes, but who wants HIM back?”
“The problem with political jokes is they get elected.” – Henry Cate, VII
If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven. ~ Will Rogers
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~ Nikita Khrushchev
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it. ~ Clarence Darrow
Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~ Author unknown
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~ John Quinton
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~ Oscar Ameringer
I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. ~ Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~ Tex Guinan
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~ Charles de Gaulle
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~ Doug Larson
There ought to be one day — just one — when there is open season on senators. ~ Will Rogers
23. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Ladies…..Quit Laughing.
- If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
- Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have “S” in it?
- Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
••••••••••••••••••••
next life.
••••••••••••••••••••
Yesterday scientists announced to the world the alarming results of a recent analysis that found the presence of female hormones in beer.
This comes as a cruel blow to all men. It is advised that if you are male between the ages of 18 and 85 you may need to seek medical assistance to assess your beer consumption.
WARNING: Drinking beer eventually turns men into women.
THE TEST: 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a one hour period
THE RESULT: 100% of the men:
1. Gained weight
2. Talked excessively without making sense
3. Became overly emotional
4. Couldn’t drive
5. Failed to think rationally
6. Argued over nothing
7. Had to sit down while urinating
8. Refused to apologize when wrong
NOTE: No further testing is planned.
••••••••••••••••••••
From Harald, a Snowbird who knows….
I’ve often been asked,’What do you do now that you’re retired?’
Well, I’m fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whiskey into urine.
It’s rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it.”
Harold is an inspiration to us all.
••••••••••
A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”
He said: “Call for backup.”
••••••••••
People say that there is no difference between finished‚ and complete. I say there is.
Marry the right person, and you’re complete. Marry the wrong person, and you’re finished.
••••••••••
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, Why did
you have to die? Why did you have to die?”
The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen
before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied,
“My wife’s first husband.”
••••••••••
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. “I am the most beautiful person in the world,” proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.
“No, you’re not,” answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.
“I am the smallest person in the world,” shouted Tom Thumb.
“No, you’re not,” said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan.
“I’ve had more lovers than any person in the world,” announced Don Juan.
“No, you haven’t” replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.
Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming “I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so.”
In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty: “I am the smallest person in the world, Merlin agrees.”
In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, “Who the heck is Bill Clinton?”
••••••••••
A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. After the editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, “Well, then, let it read ‘Fred Brown died’.”
Confounded at the woman’s thrift, the editor stammers that there is a 7-word minimum for all obituaries.
The woman pauses again, counts on her fingers and replies, “In that case, ‘Fred Brown died: 1983 Pick-up for sale.’’’
••••••••••
A sign posted in a Dentist’s office said: “Please be nice to our dentists. They have fillings too.”
••••••••••
A student burst into his professor‚s office and says, “Professor Stigler, I don’t believe I deserve this F you’ve given me.”
To which Stigler replied, “I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award.”
••••••••••
Teacher: Why do we sometimes call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages?
Student: Because they had so many knights.
••••••••••
Thomas A. Cook emailed this question: If two female fighter pilots are engaged in aerial combat, is it a catfight?
••••••••••
Nurse: “Good morning Mr. Smith, you seem to be coughing much more easily this morning.”
Mr. Smith: “That’s because I’ve been practicing all night.”
••••••••••
“If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.” – Jay Leno
••••••••••
“We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.” – Aesop
•••••••••
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband’s temper. The Doctor asks: “What’s the problem?”
The woman say, “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me.”
The Doctor says: “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep.”
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: “Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”
The Doctor says: “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.”
••••••••••
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!” Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!” Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!”
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!”
The bartender can’t contain his curiosity any lon ger, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child’s puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, “What’s all the chanting and celebration about?’’
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, “Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days.”
••••••••••
Patient: “Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what I just said.”
Doctor: “When did you first notice this problem?”
Patient: “What problem?”
••••••••••
Why did Dorothy get lost in Oz? She had three men giving her directions.
••••••••••
After dying in a car crash, three friends find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven. Each one was asked, “When you are in your casket, what would you like to hear your friends and family saying about you?”
Sean says, “I would like to hear them say I was a great doctor and a great family man.”
Karl says, “I would like to hear them say I was a wonderful husband and an excellent teacher who made a difference in children’s lives.”
Juan says, “I would like to hear them say, ‘Look! He’s moving!’”
••••••••••
Sign in a Police Station: It takes about 3500 bolts to put a car together; but only one nut to scatter it all over the road.
••••••••••
The best answer to the question asked in an interview, “Where do you see yourself in 5 years’ time?”
“In the mirror as always.”
••••••••••
A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.
He whispers to the usher, “This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a handsome tip.”
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, “The wife did it.”
••••••••••
A lawyer phoned the governor‚s mansion shortly after midnight. “I need to talk to the governor, it’s an emergency!” exclaimed the lawyer.
After some cajoling, the governor’s assistant agreed to wake him up. “So, what is it that’s so important that it can‚t wait until morning,’’ grumbled the governor.
“Judge Pierson just died, and I want to take his place,” begged the attorney. “
Well, it’s OK with me if it‚s OK with the mortuary,” replied the governor.
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.
One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved
To Florida.
The first said, “You know I had a big house built for Mama.”
The second said, “And I had a large theatre built in the house.”
The third said, “And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her.”
The fourth said, “You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can’t read anymore because she can’t see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute
$50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it.
Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.”
The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration, Mama sent out her “Thank You” notes.
She wrote: “Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.”
“Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.”
“Michael, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing, and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.”
“Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much.”
••••••••••
I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
I may have been in Continent, and I don’t remember what country I was in. It’s an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.
••••••••••
A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, “I’ll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.”
Well, you can imagine her disappointment.
The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn’t get her anything. She says, “Why didn’t you get me a birthday present?”
He replies, “You didn’t use what I got you last year.’’
••••••••••
Bob stood over his tee sot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn’t start his back swing.
Finally his exasperated partner asked, “what the hell is taking so long?”
“My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse,” Bob explained. “I want to make a perfect shot.”
“Good lord!” his companion exclaimed. “You don’t have a chance of hitting her from here.”
••••••••••
Three men wanted to cross a river. They had no idea how to cross it, so one man knelt down on his knees and prayed, “Lord give me the power and strength the cross the river.”
Suddenly the man became very strong and swam across the river.
The next man thought: if it worked for him, it’ll work for me. So he knelt down and prayed, “Lord give the skills and the strength to cross the river.” The man built a canoe and rowed himself across the river.
The last man thought: if it worked for both of them, I know it’ll work for me. So he also knelt down and prayed, “Lord give me the wisdom and knowledge to cross the river.” He turned into a woman and walked across the bridge.
••••••••
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don’t have them, you pirtch them.
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up a mess.
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of yonder.
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long directly is, as in: Going to town, be back directly.
Even Southern babies know that “Gimme some sugar” is not a request for the white, granular, sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
All Southerners know exactly when “by and by” is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who’s got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor’s trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin’!
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between “right near” and “a right far piece.” They also know that “just down the road” can be 1 mile or 20.
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
A Southerner knows that “fixin” can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, and when we’re in line, we talk to everybody!
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they’re related, even if only by marriage.
In the South, “y’all” is singular, “all y’all” is plural.
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
Every Southerner knows that tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; that scrambled eggs just ain’t right without Tabasco, and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
When you hear someone say, “Well, I caught myself lookin’,” you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
Only true Southerners say “sweet tea” and “sweet milk.” Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it — we do not like our tea unsweetened. “Sweet milk” means you don’t want buttermilk.
A true Southerner knows you don’t scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, “Bless her sweet little heart” and go your own way.
••••••••••
A man asked his doctor if he thought he’d live to be a hundred.
The doctor asked the man, “Do you smoke or drink?”
“No,” he replied, “I’ve never done either.”
“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?” inquired the doctor.
“No, I’ve never done any of those things either.”
“Well then,” said the doctor, “what do you want to live to be a hundred for?”
••••••••••
- Bad decisions make good stories.
- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
- Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
- I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
- I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
- I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
- I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
- How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
- Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
•••••••
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, “I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.”
The driver says, “Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.’’
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says “Now don’t be silly, dear. You know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?”
The wife smiles demurely and says, “Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.”
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”
The officer frowns and says,
“And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That’s an automatic fine.”
The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”
The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”
As the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, Will you please shut up.’’
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”
“Only when he’s been drinking,’’ she answers.
••••••••••
A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get six.”
A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks him, “Why did you buy six cartons of milk?”
He replied, “They had avocados.”
••••••••••
How To Properly Place New Employees…
1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
4. Then analyze the situation:
- If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
- If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
- If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
- If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
- If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
- If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
- If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
- If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
- If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
- If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.
- If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
- If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management .
- If they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, suggest they go into politics.
••••••••••
In the beginning there was nothing and the lord said let there be light. And there was still nothing, but you could see it better!
••••••••••
Students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes. “Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor to the student from Arkansas, “what is the opposite of joy?”
“Sadness,” said the student.
“And the opposite of depression?” he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
“Elation,” she said.
“And you sir,” he said to the young man from Texas, “what about the opposite of woe?”
The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be ‘giddy up.”
••••••••••
Adults Truths…
- Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.(never happens!)
- I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
- Was learning cursive really necessary?
- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
- I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind-of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.(8:30 am!)
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
23. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Ladies…..Quit Laughing.
- If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
- Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have “S” in it?
- Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
••••••••••••••••••••
next life.
••••••••••••••••••••
Yesterday scientists announced to the world the alarming results of a recent analysis that found the presence of female hormones in beer.
This comes as a cruel blow to all men. It is advised that if you are male between the ages of 18 and 85 you may need to seek medical assistance to assess your beer consumption.
WARNING: Drinking beer eventually turns men into women.
THE TEST: 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a one hour period
THE RESULT: 100% of the men:
1. Gained weight
2. Talked excessively without making sense
3. Became overly emotional
4. Couldn’t drive
5. Failed to think rationally
6. Argued over nothing
7. Had to sit down while urinating
8. Refused to apologize when wrong
NOTE: No further testing is planned.
••••••••••••••••••••
A married couple had been out Christmas shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had “disappeared.”
The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded, “Where are you?”
“Darling you remember that Jewellery shop where you saw the Diamond Necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn’t have money that time and I said, ‘baby, it’ll be yours one day.”’
“Yes, I remember that, my Love.”
“Well, I’m in the bar next to that place.’’
••••••••••
- Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
- Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?
- Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?
- Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?
••••••••••
- Why does the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
- Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
- Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
- Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?
- Why is it that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?
- Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
- Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
- Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
- Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
- You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
- Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
- Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
••••••••••
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’
••••••••••
A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands
them at the rear of the vehicle facing on coming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up. It isn’t very long before a police car arrives.
The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, “What’s going on here?”
“My car broke down, officer,” says the woman calmly.
“Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?” he asks.
“Helllooooooo!” says the blonde. “Those are my emergency flashers!”
••••••••••
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting.
“I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes,” she says. “What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!”
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, “You stay out of this, mister. I’m talking to that little punk on your knee.”
•••••••••
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn’ t miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, “While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.”
••••••••••
Three Cajuns and three Yankees were in a ticket line at a train station. The three Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the three Cajuns bought just one ticket. “How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket,” asked one of the Yankees. “Watch and learn,” answered one of
the boys from Louisiana . All six boarded the train. The three Yankees sat down, but the three Cajuns crammed into a toilet together and closed the door Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He
knocked on the toilet door and said, “Ticket, please.” The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea, so
clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
That afternoon when they got back to the station, the Yankees bought a single ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment, the three Cajuns didn’t buy even one ticket. “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” asked one of the perplexed Yankees. “Watch and learn,” answered the three Cajun boys in unison.
When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into a toilet, and the three Cajuns crammed into another toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Cajuns left their toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Yankees were hiding. The Cajun knocked on the door and said, “Ticket, please.”
••••••••••
Getting A Parking Ticket…
The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the local coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, “Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?’’
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires. So I proceeded to call him a “doughnut eating Gestapo.”
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket w hen I called him a moron in blue. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn’t really care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said “Romney 2012.”
••••••••••
Great bumper stickers…
- Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
- Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
- Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
- Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
- Cat: The Other White Meat.
- Caution: Driver Legally Blonde..
- Heart Attacks: God’s Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
- Honk If You’ve Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
- If You Can’t Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Baffle Them With Bullets.
- Money Isn’t Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch.
- Saw It… Wanted It… Had A Fit… Got It!
- WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
- BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
- So you’re a feminist. Isn’t that precious?
- I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
•••••
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse, when Meyers loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, standing up.
Fitzgibbons looks around and asks, “So, who’s gonna tell the wife?”
They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.
“Discreet? I’m the most discreet mensch you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.”
Goldberg goes over to the apartment and knocks on the door.
The wife answers and asks what he wants.
Goldberg declares, “Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home.”
The wife says, “Tell him to drop dead!”
“I’ll go tell him,” says Goldberg.
••••••••••
A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry, Polly has passed away.”
The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure? I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador . As the bird’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry; but like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably …dead.”
He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
The parrot’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. $150!” she cried. “$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!”
The vet shrugged. “If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, what did you expect?’’
••••••••••
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-P.J. O’Rourke, Libertarian
••••••••••
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in
one of it’s releases.
• A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
• A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
• A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
• A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
••••••••••
Who is your real friend? This really works. If you don’t believe it, just try this experiment…
Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you??
Exercise program for Beginners…
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.
••••••••••
Great bumper stickers…
- Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
- Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
- Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
- Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
- Cat: The Other White Meat.
- Caution: Driver Legally Blonde..
- Heart Attacks: God’s Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
- Honk If You’ve Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
- If You Can’t Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Baffle Them With Bullets.
- Money Isn’t Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch.
- Saw It… Wanted It… Had A Fit… Got It!
- WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
- BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
- So you’re a feminist. Isn’t that precious?
- I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
•••••••••• While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn’ t miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, “While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.”
••••••••••
Three Cajuns and three Yankees were in a ticket line at a train station. The three Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the three Cajuns bought just one ticket. “How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket,” asked one of the Yankees. “Watch and learn,” answered one of
the boys from Louisiana . All six boarded the train. The three Yankees sat down, but the three Cajuns crammed into a toilet together and closed the door Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He
knocked on the toilet door and said, “Ticket, please.” The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea, so
clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
That afternoon when they got back to the station, the Yankees bought a single ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment, the three Cajuns didn’t buy even one ticket. “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” asked one of the perplexed Yankees. “Watch and learn,” answered the three Cajun boys in unison.
When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into a toilet, and the three Cajuns crammed into another toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Cajuns left their toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Yankees were hiding. The Cajun knocked on the door and said, “Ticket, please.”
••••••••••
Getting A Parking Ticket…
The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the local coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, “Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?’’ He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for
having worn tires. So I proceeded to call him a “doughnut eating
Gestapo.” He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket w hen I called him a moron in blue. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn’t really care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said “Obama ’08.”
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
“Suppose you were an idiot.
And suppose you were a member of Congress….
But then I repeat myself.
-Mark Twain
Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at GeorgetownUniversity
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-P.J. O’Rourke, Civil Libertarian
Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)
I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free!
-P.J. O’Rourke
In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-Voltaire (1764)
Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you!
-Pericles (430 B.C.)
No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-Mark Twain (1866)
Talk is cheap…except when Congress does it.
-Unknown
The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-Ronald Reagan
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-Winston Churchill
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-Mark Twain
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
There is no distinctly Native American criminal class…save Congress.
-Mark Twain
What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-Edward Langley, Artist (1928 – 1995)
A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson
Get ideas on sharing photos from people like you. Find new ways to share. Get Ideas Here!A Blonde’s Year in Review:
January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels….
Helllloooo!!!…….bottles won’t fit in printer !!!
March
Got really excited….finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months. box said ’2-4
years!’
April
Trapped on escalator for hours, power went out!!!
M ay
Tried to make Kool-Aid…..wrong instructions….8 cups of
water won’t fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing…….couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition…..learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August
Got locked out of car in rain storm.. car swamped because soft-top was open.
September
The capital of California is ‘C’…..isn’t it???
October
Hate M & M’s.they are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh
108!!
December
Couldn’t call 911 . ‘duh’…..there’s no ‘eleven’ button on the stupid
phone!!!
A car gets a flat on the interstate one day.
The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the
road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands
them at the rear of the vehicle facing on coming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats
exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.
It isn’t very long before a police car arrives.
The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, “What’s going on here?”
“My car broke down, officer” says the woman calmly.
“Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?” he asks.
“Helllooooooo!! !!” says the blonde.
“Those are my emergency flashers!”
entriloquist and the Blond
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting.
“I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes”, she says. “What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!”
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little asshole on your knee.”
Received via email – author – unknown.
A Drunk And A Biker
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says, ‘I went by your grandma’s house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!’
The biker looks at him and doesn’t say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says, ‘I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!’
The biker’s buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, ‘I’ll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!’
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says….. ‘Your drunk Grandpa, go home!’
eceived via email – author – unknown.
How To Properly Place New Employees
1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
4. Then analyze the situation:
If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.
If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management .
Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.
Received via email – author – unknown.
Genesis
In the beginning there was nothing
and the lord said let there be light
and there was still nothing
but you could see it better!
Received via email – author – unknown.
Important Fact!
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Received via email – author – unknown.
Coded Message
Bush sent a coded message to Saddam.
It read: 370HSSV-0773H
Saddam was stumped and sent for his son.
His son was stumped too, so it went to his other son.
That son couldn’t solve it either, so they sent an urgent message to Bill Clinton.
He suggested turning it upside down …
Received via email – author – unknown.
The New Clerk
The owner of the general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt, or general lack thereof, and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea, I’d like some raisin bread please, the man says politely.
The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread which is located on the very top shelf. The young man is provided with a excellent view. Once she descends the ladder he decides he needs another loaf of raisin bread. Several other male customers notice what is going on and she is kept busy climbing up and down the ladder.
After many trips up and down the ladder she is very tired and while she is on the ladder she glances down at the crowd ,she notices an elderly man in the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip she yells at the elderly man.
“Is yours raisin too?”
” No,” croaks the old man, “but its a quivering”
Received via email – author – unknown.
Southern University Psychology
At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes. “Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor to the student from Arkansas, “what is the opposite of joy?”
“Sadness,” said the student.
“And the opposite of depression?” he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
“Elation,” she said.
“And you sir,” he said to the young man from Texas, “what about the opposite of woe?”
The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be ‘giddy up’ “.
Received via email – author – unknown.
Cajun Raffle
Da Cajun, his name Jean Paul, moved to Arkansas and bought him a donkey from an old farmer for $100. Da farmer agreed to deliver da donkey da next day.
Da next day, dat farmer drove up and said, “I’m sorry, but I have some bad news…the donkey died just last night.”
“Well, den, just give my money back yeah.”
“I can’t do that Sir, I went and spent it already.”
“OK, den. Just unload dat donkey.”
“What are you gonna do with him?”
“I’m going to raffle him off.”
“You can’t raffle off a dead donkey, you dumb Cajun!”
“Well dats where you wrong. You watch you learn how we Cajuns so smart!”
A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, “What happened with that dead donkey?”
“I raffled dat donkey off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made $998.”
“Didn’t anyone complain?”
“Just dat guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.”!
Received via email – author – unknown.
Got a good Joke? E-mail it to us.
••••••••••
23 ADULT TRUTHS *****
1 Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.(never happens!)
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind-of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.(8:30 am!)
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
23. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Ladies…..Quit Laughing.
- If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
- Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have “S” in it?
- Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
••••••••••••••••••••
next life.
••••••••••••••••••••
Yesterday scientists announced to the world the alarming results of a recent analysis that found the presence of female hormones in beer.
This comes as a cruel blow to all men. It is advised that if you are male between the ages of 18 and 85 you may need to seek medical assistance to assess your beer consumption.
WARNING: Drinking beer eventually turns men into women.
THE TEST: 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a one hour period
THE RESULT: 100% of the men:
1. Gained weight
2. Talked excessively without making sense
3. Became overly emotional
4. Couldn’t drive
5. Failed to think rationally
6. Argued over nothing
7. Had to sit down while urinating
8. Refused to apologize when wrong
NOTE: No further testing is planned.
••••••••••••••••••••
••••••••
Editor’s Note: It takes one to joke about one, and George Ridder has been entertaining at the Flora-Bama since Pat McClellan had hair. Here is the second half of George’s tribute to our special songwriter guests. These are old jokes, but maybe they’ll find their way to new readers or longtime readers with short memories.
1) What do you call someone who hangs around musicians? A drummer.
2) What is the range of a harmonica? About 50 yards, if you throw it hard enough.
3) How do you get a guitar player to play softer? Give him sheet music to read.
4) How can you know when the stage is level? The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
5) How do you get a musician off your front porch? Pay them for the pizza.
6) How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune? Evidently all of them.
7) What do you say to a songwriter in a three-piece suit? “Will the defendant please rise.”
8) Two guys were walking down the street. One was destitute. The other was a songwriter as well.
9) What does it say on a blues guitarist’s tombstone? “I didn’t wake up this morning.”
10) What’s the difference between a large pizza and a songwriter? A large pizza will feed a family of four.
11) What’s the difference between musicians and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and make money.
12) Why do dogs howl when harmonica players play? They’re trying to tell them how the song goes.
13) How many harmonica players does it take to change a light bulb? Don’t worry about the changes man. Just blow.
14) What do you call a groupie who hangs around and annoys musicians. A harmonica player.
15) These two musicians walk past this bar. Well, it could happen!
16) What do you say at the end of a harmonica solo? Thank God!
17) How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb? Twelve. One to change the bulb and 11 to say they could do it better.
18) How many female singers does it take to sing Bobby McGee? All of them.
19) What do you get when you play New Age music backwards? New Age music.
20) Know how to make a million dollars playing jazz music? Start with two million.
21) Did you hear about the musician that won the lottery? He kept playing gigs until the money ran out.
22) Why are club owners’ hearts so coveted for transplants? They’ve had so little use.
23) How many producers does it take to change a light bulb? “Hmmm, I don’t know. What do you think?”
24) What do you call a harmonica player who says he knows what notes he’s playing? A liar.
25) What’s the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter? Eventually the puppy stops whining.
26) What is perfect pitch? When the banjo lands directly on the accordian in the dumpster.
27) How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.
28) Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?
30) What do lead singers use for birth control? Their personalities.
31) How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb? “One, two, three, check, one, two, three.”
32) What’s the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn’t.
33) Why is a violinist like a scud missile? Both are offensive and inaccurate.
34) What’s the difference between a fiddle player and a dog? The dog knows when to quit scratching.
35) Did you hear about the bass player that was so bad that the lead singer noticed?
36) How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
a) None. The piano player does it with his left hand.
b) Don’t bother. Just leave it out. No one will notice.
c) One. But the guitar player has to show him first.
37) How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. They hold the bulb until the rest of the world revolves around them.
38) How can you tell a lead singer is at your door? They can’t find the key, and they don’t know when to come in.
39) What’s the definition of an optimist? A songwriter with a mortgage.
40) Why do bagpipers walk when they play? To get away from the sound.
A General retired after 35 years and realized a life-long dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in Alabama.
He invited an old friend to visit for a week of pheasant-shooting.
The friend was in awe of the General’s new bird dog, “Sarge.” The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best, and the friend offered
to buy the dog at any price.
The General declined, saying that Sarge was the very best bird dog he had ever owned and that he wouldn’t part with him at any price.
A year later the same friend returned for another week of hunting and was surprised to find the General breaking in a new dog.
“What happened to Ole ‘Sarge?” he asked.
“Had to shoot him,” grumbled the General. “A friend came to hunt with me and couldn’t remember the dog’s name. He kept calling him Colonel.
“After that, all the dog would do was sit on his Butt and bark.”
••••••••••
The four stages of life…
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
••••••••••
Talk about life being cyclical…
At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 16 success is having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is having a romantic partner.
At age 35 success is having money.
At age 50 success is having money.
At age 60 success is having a romantic partner.
At age 70 success is having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is having friends.
At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.
••••••••••
A minister, a priest, and a rabbi went for a hike one very hot day. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their “freedom.” As they were crossing an open area, along came a group of ladies from town. The men ran for cover, with the minister and priest covering their privates and the rabbi covering his face.
After the ladies were gone and the men had retrieved their clothes, the minister asked the rabbi why he covered his face and not his privates.
The rabbi replied, “I don’t know about you, but in my congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.”
••••••••••
A rancher walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Budweiser and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The rancher replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I’m here in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o’my brothers and one for myself.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The rancher becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders just two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The rancher looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that my wife had us join a nw church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn’t affected my brothers though.”
••••••••••
when you’re going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.
••••••••••••••••••••
Business Consolidations…
- Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
- Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers join forces and become Polly, Warner Cracker.
- 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as MMMGood.
- Zippo Mfg., Audi Motor Car, Dofasco and Dakota Mining will merge to become, of course, ZipAudiDoDa.
- Federal Express is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and consolidate as Fed UP.
- Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become Fairwell Honeychild.
•••••••••
A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in a posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” Also, he could not help but notice a strong stench of alcohol coming from the cowboy.
The cowboy groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became more impatient: “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.” Once again, the cowboy just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy what’s your name?”
“Fred,” the cowboy moaned. “Where ya from, Fred?” asked the Ranger.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, “the balcony.”
••••••••••
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of New York City, scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 100 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers in the weeks that followed, a Los Angeles archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Oceanside. Shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: “California archaeologists report a finding of 200 year old copper cable, and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.”
One week later, a newspaper in New Orleans reported the following: “After digging down about 30 feet deep near a Bayou in the community of Lafayette, Boudreaux, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found…..absolutely nothing. Boudreaux has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Louisiana had already gone wireless.”
••••••••••
- Is there another word for synonym?
- If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?
- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
- If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
- Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
- If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
- Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
- How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
- What was the best thing before sliced bread?
- One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
- Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
- How is it possible to have a civil war?
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
••••••••••
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
The husband said, ” You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”
The wife replies, “No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”
Husband replies, ” I can’t believe that, show me.”
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says: “Hebrews.”
••••••••••
I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child. “Lady,” said the drunk, “that’s the ugliest kid I’ve ever seen. That is one ugly child.” As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a mailman came to her rescue. “What’s the matter, madam?” he asked.
“I’ve just been horribly insulted” she sobbed. “There there,” said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. “Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here’s a banana for the chimp.”
- If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
- Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have “S” in it?
- Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
•••••••••
I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?” It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.
So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”
••••••••••
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?’’
••••••••••
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
••••••••••
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the
rest of the game, all they kept screaming was ‘Get the quarterback. Get the quarterback.’’
••••••••••
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man, “Holy !@#$. That must be my husband!’’
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the
> woman, ‘”I am your husband.’’
The woman yelled back, “Yeah, then why were you running?”
••••••••••
A woman was looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’’
The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s darn near perfect.’’
••••••••••
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
••••••••••
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, “Do you know her?’’
“Yes,” I sighed, “she’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’’
“My Gosh,” said my wife, “who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
••••••••••
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. So, I took her to a gas station.
••••••••••
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
> She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’’
I bought her a scale.
••••••••••
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “dust.’’
••••••••••
- If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
- What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
•••••••••
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don’t “have” them, you “pitch” them.
••••••••••
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up “a mess.”
••••••••••
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of “yonder.”
••••••••••
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long “directly” is, as in: “Going to town, be back directly.”
••••••••••
Even Southern babies know that “Gimme some sugar” is not a request for the white, granular, sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
••••••••••
All Southerners know exactly when “by and by” is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
••••••••••
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who’s got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor’s trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin’!
••••••••••
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between “right near” and “a right far piece.” They also know that “just down the road” can be 1 mile or 20.
••••••••••
Only a Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol’ boy, and po’ white trash.
••••••••••
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
••••••••••
A Southerner knows that “fixin” can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
••••••••••
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, and when we’re “in line,” we talk to everybody!
••••••••••
In the South, “y’all” is singular, “all y’all” is plural.
••••••••••
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
••••••••••
Every Southerner knows that tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food and that scrambled eggs just ain’t right without Tabasco.
••••••••••
When you hear someone say, “Well, I caught myself lookin’,” you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
••••••••••
Only true Southerners say “sweet tea” and “sweet milk.” Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it. “Sweet milk” means you don’t want buttermilk.
••••••••••
A true Southerner knows you don’t scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,”Bless her sweet little heart.”
••••••••••
There isn’t a magazine named “Northern Living” for good reason. Nobody would buy the magazine!
••••••••••
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think
> not.
– H.L. Mencken
••••••••••
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!
– George Bernard Shaw
••••••••••
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
– Benjamin Franklin
••••••••••
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
– Dave Barry
••••••••••
Remember “I” before “E”, except in Budweiser.
– Professor Irwin Corey
••••••••••
To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a “support group.”
– Leo Durocher
••••••••••
- Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
- One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor…
-I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have “S” in it?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee”.
The husband said, ” You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”
Wife replies, “No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”
Husband replies, ” I can’t believe that, show me.”
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:
“HEBREWS”I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child. “Lady”, said the drunk, “that’s the ugliest kid I’ve ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!.” As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a mailman came to her rescue. “What’s the matter, madam?” he asked. “I’ve just been horribly insulted” she sobbed. “There there,” said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. “Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here’s a banana for the chimp”
•••••••
The big day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement – not even her parent’s nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the perfect dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever. A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother.
Jennifer asked her father’s new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.
“Absolutely not. I look like a
million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,” she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ”Never mind
sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.”
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ”Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don’t have another occasion where
you could wear it.”
Her mother just smiled and replied, ”Of course I do, dear. I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.”
•••••••••••
Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched. But push the wrong button and you are disconnected.
•••••••••••
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: ! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
•••••••••••
Customer: I can’t get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I’m sure I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
••••••••••••••
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer,
but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
•••••••••••
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I’m writing my first email.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?
•••••••••••
Tech support: Okay Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: I don’t have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: ‘P’ on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I’m not going to do that.
•••••••••••
“Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?’’
“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs with Uncle Paul.’’
After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.’’
“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs with Mommy, right now.”
Brief Pause.
“Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.’’
“Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.”
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
“I did it, Daddy.”
“And what happened, honey?’’
“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser. Now she isn’t moving at all!’’
“Oh my God. What about your Uncle Paul?”
“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.
Long Pause. Longer Pause. Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?’’
“No, I think you have the wrong number.’’
••••••
A woman brought a very limp duck in to a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but, as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”
•••••••••
I am sick and tired of hearing about that we are behind the times here in the South, and I challenge “smarty pants” from other parts of the country to take this test…
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) ’65 Ford Fairlane
(B) ’69 Chevrolet Chevelle
(C) ’64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser’s will be drunk before the trees are cut down?
5. A front porch is constructed of 2×8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed?
6. A man owns a Georgia house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man’s land and still have enough
property for their electric appliances to sit out front?
7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic
conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
As a bonus, here’s some southerly advice that may come in handy. Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them.
•••••••••
This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills…or not.
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one.
Tech support: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
•••••••••
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try, it says ‘Can’t find printer.’ I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it..
•••••••••
Tech support: What’s on your monitor now, ma’am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
•••••••••
••••••••••
You know you’re from Louisiana when…
-Your sunglasses fog up when you step outside, even in December.
-You reinforce your attic to store Mardi Gras beads
-You don’t look twice when you see pink flamingos in yards of nice subdivisions during Mardi Gras.
-You save newspapers, not for recycling but for tablecloths at crawfish boils.
-Your ancestors are buried above the ground.
-You drink Community Coffee, have tried Starbucks, but don’t see what all the fuss is about. -You take a bite of five-alarm chili and reach for the Tabasco .
-Every once in a while, you have waterfront property .
-You sit down to eat boiled crawfish and your host says, “Don’t eat the dead ones,” and you know what he means.
-You don’t learn until high school that Mardi Gras is not a national holiday.
-Little old ladies push you out of the way to catch Mardi Gras beads .
-You believe that purple, green and gold look good together.
-Your last name isn’t pronounced the way it’s spelled.
-You know what a nutria is but you still pick it to represent your baseball team.
-Your house payment is less than your utility bill.
-You know that Tchoupitoulas is a street and not a disease.
-Your grandparents are called Mam-Maw and Paw-Paw.
-Your Santa Claus rides an alligator and your favorite Saint is a football player.
-You cringe every time you hear an actor with a Southern or Cajun accent in a ‘New Orleans-based’ movie or TV show.
-You have to reset your clocks after every thunderstorm.
-You’re walking in the French Quarter with a plastic cup of beer.
-When it starts to rain, you cover your beer instead of your head.
-You’ve eaten at one or more of these restaurants and know how to pronounce them: Prejeans, Tu Jac’s, Gallatoire’s, Ralph & Kacoo’s, Brunets, Mulattes.
-You eat dinner out and spend the entire meal talking about all the other good places you’ve eaten.
-You call home just to find out what your momma’nem are having for supper tonight.
••••••••••
An Irish wedding…
At the wedding reception someone yelled, “Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.”
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
••••••••••
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what Martha?”
“What dear?” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I’m beginning to think you’re bad luck.”
••••••••••
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, waiting outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”
The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jello and ice cream. It’s a breeze.’’
The second kid then asks, “What are you in here for?’’
“The first kid says, “A circumcision.’’
The second kid says, “Whoa, good luck with that one, buddy! I had that done when I was born. Couldn’t walk for a year.’’
••••••••••
Suthunuhs!
- Southerners know their vacation spots: The beach. The rivuh. The crick.
- Southerners know everybody’s first name: Honey. Darlin. Shugah.
- Southerners know the movies that speak to their hearts: Fried Green Tomatoes. Driving Miss Daisy. Steel Magnolias. Gone With The Wind.
- Southerners know their religions: Bapdiss. Methdiss. Football.
- Southerners know their elegant gentlemen: Men in uniform. Men in tuxedos. Rhett Butler.
- Southern girls know their prime real estate: The Mall. The Country Club. The Beauty Salon.
- Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins: Having bad hair and nails. Having bad manners. Cooking bad food.
••••••••••
A group of elderly tourists was sitting around talking about all their ailments.
“My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one.
“Yes, I know,” said another. “My cataracts are so bad; I can’t even see my coffee.”
“I couldn’t even mark an “X” at election time, my hands are so crippled,” volunteered a third.
“What? Speak up! What? I can’t hear you!” exclaimed a fourth.
“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said another, and several nodded weakly in agreement.
“My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!” exclaimed another.
“I forget where I am, and where I’m going,” said another.
“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
Everyone nodded in agreement.
“Well, count your blessings,” said a woman cheerfully, “and thank God we can all still drive.”
••••••••••••••••••••
Andy Rooney on Oil: There are a lot of folks who can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in the USA. Well, there’s a very simple answer:
Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn’t know that we were getting low.
The reason for this is purely geographical. All the oil is in
Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, Wyoming, New Mexico, Alaska, etc. All the dipsticks are in Washington, DC
••••••••••••••••••••
Did you ever ponder these questions?
• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,”I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”
• Who was the first person to say “See that chicken there …. I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it’s butt.”
• Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
• Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
• If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
• Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
• If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
• Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
• If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
• If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
• If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
• If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
• Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
• Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
• Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
• Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
• Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
••••••••••••••••••••
Show me the money…
Money can buy a House – But not a Home. It can buy a Bed – But not Sleep. It can buy a Clock – But not Time. It can buy you a Book – But not knowledge. It can buy you a Position – But not Respect.
It can buy you Medicine – But not Health. It can buy you Blood – But not Life. It can buy you Sex – But not Love.
So you see money isn’t everything. And it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your friend, and as your friend. I want to take away your pain and suffering. Send me all your money. And I will suffer for you. Cash only please.
••••••••••••••••••••
Great beer quotes…
“Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”
– Babe Ruth
“An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
– Ernest Hemingway
“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
– Paul Hornung
Woman: A real woman is a man’s best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be confident, sexy and invincible.
No. Wait. Sorry. I’m thinking of vodka. It’s vodka that does all that. Never mind.
••••••••••
Here are some great one liners from the days when Hollywood Squares was the top rated game show on TV.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. You’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
••••••••••
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son’s family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time – pancakes, ice cream, candy – with just his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn’t feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive and breakfast.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. “Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?” he asked.
“Not really, Pa Pa , it was really boring. We didn’t see a single piece of crap, worthless idiot, horse’s butt, liberal pinko democrat Obama lover, blind bat, jerkweed or SOB anywhere we went.’’
••••••••••
“We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.”
- Aesop
••••••••••
• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,”I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”
••••••••••
• Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
••••••••••
• Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
•••••••••
On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When she’d finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time
the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.
Finally, they couldn’t take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later – even though they’d cut their price in half – they couldn’t find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 1/10 of what the house had been worth, but only if she would sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.
And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods.
••••••••••
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro? what a rip off!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
••••••••••
“A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.”
- Thomas Jefferson
BBQ Etiquette…
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine…
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
(5) Here comes the important part: The Man places the meat on the grill.
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
(8_ Important again: The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ‘her night off, ‘ and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.
••••••••••
My boss phoned me today. He said, “Is everything okay at the office?”
I said, “Yes, it’s all under control. It’s been a very busy day, I haven’t stopped.”
“Can you do me a favor?” he asked.
I said, “Of course, what is it?”
“Pick up the pace a little. I’m in the foursome behind you.”
••••••••••
Bubba from Mississippi needed a loan, So he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.
The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12 percent interest.
Later, the bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank’s private underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a highly sophisticated investor and multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The Redneck replied, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?”
••••••••••
If you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked, you should sniff some Windex first. It’ll keep you from streaking.
His name was BUBBA….
••••••••••
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”
••••••••••
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
••••••••••
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
••••••••••
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
••••••••••
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
••••••••••
Why do they report power outages on TV?
••••••••••
What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
••••••••••
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
••••••••••
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. “What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife.
“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,” he replies.
“Put them back, we can’t afford them,” demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. “What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser, and it’s half the price.”
••••••••••
- Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
••••••••••
Southernisms…
• Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.
• She fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
• She’s so stuck up she’d drown in a rainstorm.
• It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.
• My cow died last night, so I don’t need your bull.
• He’s as country as cornflakes.
• This is gooder’n grits.
• If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.
• I’m ’bout as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Busy as a moth in a mitten. Happy as a clam at high tide.
• Advice for Northerners moving South: Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly.
• If you run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
• Remember: Y’all is singular. All y’all is plural. All y’all’s is plural possessive.
• The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective “big ol’,” as in “big ol’ truck,” or “big ol’ boy.” “Fixin’” (as in “I’m fixin’ to go to the store”) is 2nd, and “Y’all” is 3rd.
• If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” get out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.
••••••••••
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman’s credibility.
Q: “Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?”
A: “No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.”
Q: “Officer, who provided this description?”
A: “The officer who responded to the scene.”
Q: “A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?”
A: “Yes, sir. With …my life.”
Q: “With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?”
A: “Yes sir, we do!”
Q: “And do you have a locker in the room?”
A: “Yes sir, I do.”
Q: “And do you have a lock on your locker?”
A: “Yes sir.”
Q: “Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?”
A: “You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.”
The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
••••••••••
More silly stuff to ponder…
• Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4′s”?
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have an “S” in it?
• What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?
• If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
• What’s another word for synonym?
Punography…
I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
-I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
-How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
-I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
-This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
-I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
-I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
-They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
- Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
-We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
-I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
-What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
- England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
-I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
-I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
-All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
-I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
-Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
-Velcro — what a rip off!
-Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
-The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.
-Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
••••••••••
- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
••••••••••
- Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
••••••••••
A friend hosted a dinner party for family far and wide and everyone was encouraged to bring all their children as well. All during the sit-down dinner one four-year-old girl stared at the uncle sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
The uncle checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He finally asked her, “Why
are you staring at me?”
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.
••••••••••
A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. In one church, he spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall, and was intrigued with a sign which read, “$10,000 per minute.”
Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that the golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven, and if he pays the price, he can talk directly to God. The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake City, Denver, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more such phones with the same sign, and the same explanation from each pastor.
Finally, the man arrived in the lovely state of Alabama. Upon entering a church, behold: he saw the usual golden telephone. But this time, the sign read: “Calls: 25 cents.”
Fascinated, the man asked to speak with the pastor. “Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven, and that I could use it to talk to God. But in 20 other churches, the cost was $10,000 per minute. Your sign says 25 cents per call. Why is that?
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied: “Son, you’re in the South now, it’s a local call.”
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”
He then addressed the men.
“Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?”
Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal-All-Purpose, Isn’t it?”
••••••••••
Paddy’s in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
“What the heck you doing?” he asks.
“Hanging me self!” Paddy replies.
“It should be around your neck,” says the Guard.
“I tried da,t” says Paddy, “but I couldn’t breathe.”
••••••••••
An American tourist asks an Irish dive master: “Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”
To which the Irishman replies: “If they fell forwards, they’d still be in the boat.”
••••••••••
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says, “For Gods sake Paddy, that’s your air freshener swinging about!”
••••••••••
An old Irish farmer’s dog goes missing and he’s inconsolable.
His wife says, “Why don’t you put an advert in the paper?”
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
“What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks.
“Here Boy,” he replies.
••••••••••
Puns for Educated Minds…
- The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi .
- I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
- She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
- A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
- A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
- A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
- Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
- A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
- I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
- A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
- The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
- The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
- A backward poet writes inverse.
- In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
- When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
- If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
- A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’
- Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’
••••••••••
I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to
be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there
too often. I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense. It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart. At my
age I need all the stimuli I can get! & I may have been in Continent, and I don’t remember what country I was in. It’s an age thing. The best vitamin making friends – B1.
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
“Come have a look over here,” says Paddy, “It’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.”
“That’s nothing,” says Sean, “here’s one named Patrick O’Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died.”
Just then, Seamus yells out, “Good God, here’s a fella that got to be 145!”
“What was his name?” asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, “Miles, from Dublin.”
••••••••••
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
“Please Lord,” he implored, “let it be blood!!”
••••••••••
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.
An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
“No,” replied the Irishman. “I’ve lost all me luggage!”
“How’d that happen?”
“The cork fell out!”
••••••••••
• A clear conscience is the result of a fuzzy memory
• Money can’t buy happiness but it can make misery easier to live with.
• Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad
• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience
• War does not determine who is right, only who is left
• Evening news is where they say “Good Evening” then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research
• You do not need a parachute to sky-dive, but you need a parachute to sky dive twice
• I used to be indecisive, now I’m not sure
• You’re never too old to learn something stupid
• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and think they’re sexy
••••••••••
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! “Help me dear,” she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. “I’m dying here and you’re putting?”
“Don’t worry dear,”says the husband calmly, “they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you.
“Well, how long will it take for him to get here?” she asks feebly. “No time at all,” says her husband. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play
through.”
••••••••••
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks, “Ma’am, is that your husband?”
“Yes” says the woman.
“Did you hit him with that golf club?”
“Yes, yes, I did.” The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
“How many times did you hit him?”
“I don’t know — five, six, maybe seven times… just put me down for a five.”
•••••••••
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, “Are you a good golfer?”
The man replied: “Got here in two, didn’t I?”
••••••••••
The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said: “What are your golf clubs doing here?”
He looked her right in the eye and said, “This isn’t going to take all day, is it?’’
••••••••••
“There is no distinctly Native American criminal class…save Congress.”
- Mark Twain
“What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.”
- Edward Langley.