By George Ridder
Why wait ‘til March 17 to tell a few good Irish jokes…
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
“S’cuse me,” said a customer,
who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, “what was that all about?”
“Nothin,” said the Irishman, “me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.”
••••••••••
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth doin’ bad.”
Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see that the Jews are falling’ victim to temptation.”
Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, “What a terrible pity. One of the girls must be quite ill.”
••••••••••
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!”
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull
broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going Patrick. Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat!’’
••••••••••
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet,
he felt something wet running down his leg.
“Please Lord,” he implored, “let it be blood!”
••••••••••
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.
So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
Again, he fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “You’ve been drinking again.’’
Putting on an innocent look,
and intent on bluffing it out he said, “What makes you say that?”
“The pub just called. You left your wheelchair there again.”
••••••••••
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal,’ ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,’ and ‘Thou Shall Not Lie’ in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
••••••••••
• Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
• Gargoyle (n), olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) (back by popular demand), The belief that,
when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Post’s Style Invitational also asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year’s winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn’t get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. ( that one got extra credit)
9. Karmageddon (n): Its like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s
like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in
the fruit you’re eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife.
“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,” he replies.
“Put them back, we can’t afford them,” demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.
“So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price,’’ he replies.
••••••••••
• If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
• Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
• Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
• Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
••••••••••
Things you’ll never hear a redneck say…
Oh I just couldn’t – she’s only sixteen.
I’ll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex.
Duct tape won’t fix that.
Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.
We don’t keep firearms in this house.
You can’t feed that to the dog.
No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.
Wrestling’s fake.
We’re vegetarians.
Do you think my gut is too big?
I’ll have grapefruit and yogurt instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, we don’t need another dog.
Who gives a damn about who won the Civil War?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
Trim the fat off that steak.
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso
The tires on that truck are too big.
I’ve got it all on the C: drive.
Unsweetened tea tastes better.
My fiancé, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s
I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
Checkmate.
She’s too young to be wearing a bikini.
Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.
I don’t have a favorite college team.
You All.
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.
••••••••••
Everyone concentrates on the problems we’re having in this country lately: illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. It’s a win-win situation.
Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies.
Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.
Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?
••••••••••
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
••••••••••
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq …. Why don’t we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we’re not using it anymore.
T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal,’ ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,’ and ‘Thou Shall Not Lie’ in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians…It creates a hostile work environment.
PART OF THE PROBLEM
Also, Think about this: If you don’t want to forward this for fear of offending
Someone– YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!
It is Time for America to Speak up !
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7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) (back by popular demand), The belief that,
when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Post’s Style Invitational also asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year’s winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn’t get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. ( that one got extra credit)
9. Karmageddon (n): Its like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s
like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in
the fruit you’re eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
1995)
“A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.’’
– Thomas Jefferson