A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. “What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife.
“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,” he replies.
“Put them back, we can’t afford them,” demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. “What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser, and it’s half the price.”
••••••••••
- Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
••••••••••
Southernisms…
• Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.
• She fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
• She’s so stuck up she’d drown in a rainstorm.
• It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.
• My cow died last night, so I don’t need your bull.
• He’s as country as cornflakes.
• This is gooder’n grits.
• If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.
• I’m ’bout as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Busy as a moth in a mitten. Happy as a clam at high tide.
• Advice for Northerners moving South: Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly.
• If you run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
• Remember: Y’all is singular. All y’all is plural. All y’all’s is plural possessive.
• The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective “big ol’,” as in “big ol’ truck,” or “big ol’ boy.” “Fixin’” (as in “I’m fixin’ to go to the store”) is 2nd, and “Y’all” is 3rd.
• If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” get out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.
••••••••••
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman’s credibility.
Q: “Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?”
A: “No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.”
Q: “Officer, who provided this description?”
A: “The officer who responded to the scene.”
Q: “A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?”
A: “Yes, sir. With …my life.”
Q: “With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?”
A: “Yes sir, we do!”
Q: “And do you have a locker in the room?”
A: “Yes sir, I do.”
Q: “And do you have a lock on your locker?”
A: “Yes sir.”
Q: “Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?”
A: “You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.”
The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
••••••••••
More silly stuff to ponder…
• Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4′s”?
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have an “S” in it?
• What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?
• If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
• What’s another word for synonym?
Punography…
I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
-I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
-How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
-I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
-This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
-I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
-I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
-They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
- Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
-We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
-I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
-What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
- England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
-I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
-I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
-All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
-I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
-Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
-Velcro — what a rip off!
-Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
-The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.
-Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
••••••••••
- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
••••••••••
- Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
••••••••••
A friend hosted a dinner party for family far and wide and everyone was encouraged to bring all their children as well. All during the sit-down dinner one four-year-old girl stared at the uncle sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
The uncle checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He finally asked her, “Why
are you staring at me?”
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.
••••••••••
A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. In one church, he spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall, and was intrigued with a sign which read, “$10,000 per minute.”
Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that the golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven, and if he pays the price, he can talk directly to God. The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake City, Denver, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more such phones with the same sign, and the same explanation from each pastor.
Finally, the man arrived in the lovely state of Alabama. Upon entering a church, behold: he saw the usual golden telephone. But this time, the sign read: “Calls: 25 cents.”
Fascinated, the man asked to speak with the pastor. “Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven, and that I could use it to talk to God. But in 20 other churches, the cost was $10,000 per minute. Your sign says 25 cents per call. Why is that?
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied: “Son, you’re in the South now, it’s a local call.”
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”
He then addressed the men.
“Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?”
Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal-All-Purpose, Isn’t it?”
••••••••••
Paddy’s in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
“What the heck you doing?” he asks.
“Hanging me self!” Paddy replies.
“It should be around your neck,” says the Guard.
“I tried da,t” says Paddy, “but I couldn’t breathe.”
••••••••••
An American tourist asks an Irish dive master: “Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”
To which the Irishman replies: “If they fell forwards, they’d still be in the boat.”
••••••••••
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says, “For Gods sake Paddy, that’s your air freshener swinging about!”
••••••••••
An old Irish farmer’s dog goes missing and he’s inconsolable.
His wife says, “Why don’t you put an advert in the paper?”
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
“What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks.
“Here Boy,” he replies.
••••••••••
Puns for Educated Minds…
- The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi .
- I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
- She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
- A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
- A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
- A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
- Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
- A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
- I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
- A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
- The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
- The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
- A backward poet writes inverse.
- In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
- When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
- If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
- A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’
- Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’
••••••••••
I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to
be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there
too often. I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense. It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart. At my
age I need all the stimuli I can get! & I may have been in Continent, and I don’t remember what country I was in. It’s an age thing. The best vitamin making friends – B1.
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
“Come have a look over here,” says Paddy, “It’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.”
“That’s nothing,” says Sean, “here’s one named Patrick O’Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died.”
Just then, Seamus yells out, “Good God, here’s a fella that got to be 145!”
“What was his name?” asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, “Miles, from Dublin.”
••••••••••
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
“Please Lord,” he implored, “let it be blood!!”
••••••••••
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.
An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
“No,” replied the Irishman. “I’ve lost all me luggage!”
“How’d that happen?”
“The cork fell out!”
••••••••••
• A clear conscience is the result of a fuzzy memory
• Money can’t buy happiness but it can make misery easier to live with.
• Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad
• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience
• War does not determine who is right, only who is left
• Evening news is where they say “Good Evening” then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research
• You do not need a parachute to sky-dive, but you need a parachute to sky dive twice
• I used to be indecisive, now I’m not sure
• You’re never too old to learn something stupid
• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and think they’re sexy
••••••••••
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! “Help me dear,” she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. “I’m dying here and you’re putting?”
“Don’t worry dear,”says the husband calmly, “they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you.
“Well, how long will it take for him to get here?” she asks feebly. “No time at all,” says her husband. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play
through.”
••••••••••
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks, “Ma’am, is that your husband?”
“Yes” says the woman.
“Did you hit him with that golf club?”
“Yes, yes, I did.” The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
“How many times did you hit him?”
“I don’t know — five, six, maybe seven times… just put me down for a five.”
•••••••••
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, “Are you a good golfer?”
The man replied: “Got here in two, didn’t I?”
••••••••••
The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said: “What are your golf clubs doing here?”
He looked her right in the eye and said, “This isn’t going to take all day, is it?’’
••••••••••
“There is no distinctly Native American criminal class…save Congress.”
- Mark Twain
“What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.”
- Edward Langley.