I’m a Senior Citizenand I propose that we spread the laughter, share the cheer, and let’s be happy while we’re still here.
- I’m the Life of the Party, even if it lasts till 8 o’clock.
- I’m very good at opening child-proof caps, even if it means opening them with a hammer.
- I’m awake long before my body lets me get up.
- I smile all the time because I can’t hear what you’re saying.
- I’m sure everything I own is in a safe secure place, somewhere.
- I’m wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that’s just my left leg.
••••••••••
Now that I’m ‘older’ (but refuse to grow up), here’s what I’ve
discovered:
- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
- My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
- I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
- Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…
- Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…
- All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
- If all is not lost, where is it?
- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
- Some days you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant.
- I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few…
- Kids in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
- It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
- The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re
in the bathroom.
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my
knees.
- When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide
to play chess?
- It’s not hard to meet expenses… they’re everywhere.
- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
- These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m here after.
••••••••••
The kids have their codes for texting. Finally, there are senior texting codes.
ATD – At the Doctor’s
BFF – Best Friends Funeral
BTW – Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT – Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM – Covered by Medicare
CUATSC – See You at the Senior Center
DWI – Driving While Incontinent
FWBB – Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW – Forgot Where I Was
FYI – Found Your Insulin
GGPBL – Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA – Got Heartburn Again
IMHO – Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO – Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL – Living on Lipitor
LWO – Lawrence Welk’s On
OMMR – On My Massage Recliner
OMSG – Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFL…CGU – Rolling on the Floor Laughing…Can’t get Up!
TTYL – Talk to You Louder
WAITT – Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA – Wet the Furniture Again
WTP – Where’s the Prunes
WWNO – Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI – Gotta Go. Laxative Kicking in!
••••••••••
James, an 85 year old, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and James should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities, Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is James, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
All goes well, James takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s James, Again he is ready for more. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents.
When the newly weds are done, James kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it – James is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more.
As James gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, “I’m thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover.’’
Somewhat embarrassed, James turns to Jenny and says, “You mean I was here already?”
••••••••••
• Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
• Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
• Variation Law: If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
• Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
• Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
• Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
• Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
• Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
• Murphy’s Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
• Law of Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.