One night a man stumbled into the police station with a black eye. He claimed he had heard a noise in his back yard and went to investigate. The next he knew, he was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to his house to investigate, and he returned 1 1/2 hours later with a black eye.
“Did you get hit by the same person?” his captain asked.
“No,” he replied. “I stepped on the same rake.”
“Hey, what do you call a singing computer?”
Wanda’s dishwasher was broken, so she called in a repairman.
“I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you check. Oh, by the way don’t worry about my dog Spike. He won’t bother you,’’ she told the repairman. “Again, whatever you do, do not talk to my parrot.’’
When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”
To which the parrot replied, “Sic him Spike!’’
Instructor: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Student: What are the two things?
Instructor: Your feet.
A genie came to me and asked, “What’s your first wish?”
I answered, “I wish I was rich!”
Then the genie said, “What’s your second wish, Rich?”
Three mothers are sitting on a bench talking about how much their sons love them.
Sadie says, “You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is; he loves his mother.”
Minnie says, “You call that love? You know the Mercedes I just got for Mother’s Day? That’s from my son Bernie. What a doll.”
Shirley says “That’s nothing. You know my son Stanley? He’s in analysis on Harley Street. Five sessions a week. And what does he talk about? Me.”
When my friend announced that she had started a diet, I replied, “Good. I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first.”
“Great!” she said. “I’ll go too.”
Two businessmen walk into a diner in the countryside. Without ordering anything, they sit down, take out sandwiches from their bags and begin to eat them.
The waiter sees this and says to them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”
So the men look at each other, shrug, and swap sandwiches.
A man called the airline booking agent to ask how long a flight was from Los Angeles to New York?
The busy agent replied, “Just a moment.”
The man replied, “Thank you,” and then hung up.
A father was buying bass lessons for his son. After the 1st week the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, “On my 1st lesson we learned about the E string.”
The 2nd week came and after the lesson the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, “On the 2nd lesson I learned about the A string.”
The 3rd week came by and the father said to his son, “You know these are expensive lessons, what have you learned this week?”
The son said, “I quit the lessons, I already got a gig.”
The judge reviews the divorce case very carefully and issues his judgement. “Mr Smith, I am going to give your wife $750 a month.”
Mr. Smith’s replies, “That’s very nice of you, judge. And every once in a while I will send her a few bucks as well.”
Even more Southernisms…
• I’m as happy as a clam at high tide.
• Remember: Y’all is singular. All y’all is plural. All y’all’s is plural possessive.