A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, “Excuse me, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.’’
A lady with a large flowery hat was stopped at the church door by the usher.
“Are you a friend of the bride?” he asked.
“Certainly not,” she snapped, “I’m the groom’s mother.”
A preacher woke up on a Sunday morning, and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful day, he decided he just had to play golf. So he told the associate pastor he was feeling sick and persuaded him to conduct the service for him that day.
As soon as the associate pastor left the room, the preacher headed out of town to a golf course about 40 miles away. This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his church.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. At about this time, St. Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from heaven and said, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?”
The Lord sighed and said, “No, I guess not.”
Just then the preacher hit the ball, and it shot straight toward the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It was a 420-yard hole-in-one.
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?”
The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?”
“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up,” said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. “Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” asked the teacher with a sneer.
“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.’’
After browsing through the extensive medical history, the doctor stared at Brian for a few moments and said, ” Well there’s one thing I can say for certain, you sure look better in person than you do on paper!”
How does Bigfoot tell time? With a Sasq-watch.
Smoking will kill you.
Bacon will kill you.
But smoking bacon will cure it!
Rebecca said to her husband, “Do you know the neighbor’s daughter scored a 99 on her math exam?”
Her husband remarked, “Really? What happened to the remaining 1 point?”
Rebecca replied sarcastically, “Your son scored it.”
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company over 30 years, he retired. Several years later the company contacted him with a problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail.
In desperation, they called on the retired engineer. He spent a day studying the huge machine.
At the end of the day, he marked a small “x” in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, “This is where your problem is.”
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded with the following account: Chalk: $1. Knowing where to put the ‘X’: $49,999.
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?”
“98,” she replied: “Two years older than me”
“So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented.
She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?”
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape. So I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
What do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked the old woman.
She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”