A husband and wife had a big argument. Frustrated and fed up, the wife called up her mom and said, “We fought again, I can’t do this anymore. I am coming to live with you.”
Mom said, “No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.”
On a visit to New York, an Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop. The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn’t notice.
The Englishman says to the Scotsman, “You see how clever we are? You’ll never beat that!”
The Scotsman says to the Englishman, “Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman.”
He says to the baker, “Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!”
The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats. Then he says to the baker, “Give me another cookie for my magic trick.”
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. Then he says again, “Give me one more cookie.”
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too. Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, “And where is your famous magic trick?”
The Scotsman says, “Look in the Englishman’s pocket!”
Dentist: “How did you lose your three teeth?”
Patient: “My wife prepared the pancakes and they were very hard to eat.”
Dentist: “Then you could have refused to eat them.”
Patient: “I did refused to eat them. Hence, I lost my three teeth.”
Do you ever wonder…
– Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
– Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?
– Why you don’t ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
– Why “abbreviated” is such a long word?
– Why doctors call what they do “practice”?
– Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
– Why there isn’t mouse-flavored cat food?
– Why sheep don’t shrink when it rains?
– Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
– If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
When my wife was in labor, I would tell her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused.
It must have been the delivery.
– When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog
run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
– If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
– Don’t assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
– A penny saved is a government oversight.
– The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the
right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
– The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
– The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
– He who hesitates is probably right.
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years
they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to
stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your
wife needs at least three times a week Can you do this?”
The husband thought for a moment and replied, “Well, I can drop
her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Friday’s, I fish!’’
• Auditor – Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
• Banker – The fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
• Economist – An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
• Programmer – Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.
There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for
it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles
• Lawyer – A person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a “brief.”
• Consultant – Someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
How do you make musicians complain?
A: Pay them.
“This little computer,” said the sales clerk, “will do half of your job for you.”
Studying the machine, the senior VP said, “Fine. I’ll take two.”