In honor of this month’s Frank Brown International Songwriters Fest, we present these old jokes, in hope that they find new readers or even old readers with short memories.
1) How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
“One, two, three, check, one, two, three.”
2) What’s the definition of a gentleman?
One who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn’t.
3) Why is a violinist like a scud missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.
4) What’s the difference between a fiddle player and a dog?
The dog knows when to quit scratching.
5) Did you hear about the bass player that was so bad that the lead singer noticed?
6) How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
a) None. The piano player does it with his left hand.
b) Don’t bother. Just leave it out. No one will notice.
c) One. But the guitar player has to show him first.
7) How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. He holds the bulb until the rest of the world revolves around him.
8) How can you tell a lead singer is at your door?
They can’t find the key, and they don’t know when to come in.
9) What’s the definition of an optimist?
A songwriter with a mortgage.
10) Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the sound.
11) What do you call someone who hangs around musicians?
12) What is the range of a harmonica?
About 50 yards, if you throw it hard enough.
13) How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Give him sheet music to read.
14) How can you know when the stage is level?
The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
15) How do you get a musician off your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
16) How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune?
Evidently all of them.
17) What do you say to a songwriter in a three-piece suit?
“Will the defendant please rise.”
18) Two guys were walking down the street. One was destitute. The other was a songwriter as well.
19) What does it say on a blues guitarist’s tombstone?
“I didn’t wake up this morning.”
20) What’s the difference between a large pizza and a songwriter?
A large pizza will feed a family of four.
21) What’s the difference between musicians and government bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and make money.
22) Why do dogs howl when harmonica players play?
They’re trying to tell them how the song goes.
23) How many harmonica players does it take to change a light bulb?
Don’t worry about the changes man. Just blow.
24) What do you call a groupie who hangs around and annoys musicians.
A harmonica player.
25) These two musicians walk past this bar….Well, it could happen!
26) What do you say at the end of a great harmonica solo?
27) How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. One to change the bulb and 11 to say they could do it better.
28) How do you make a bass player turn down the volume?
Put a chart in front of him.
29) How many female singers does it take to sing Bobby McGee?
All of them.
30) What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
31) Know how to make a million dollars playing jazz music?
Start with two million.
32) Did you hear about the musician that won the lottery?
He kept playing gigs until the money ran out.
33) Why are club owners’ hearts so coveted for transplants?
They’ve had so little use.
34) How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
“Hmmm, I don’t know. What do you think?”
35) What do you call a harmonica player who says he knows what notes he’s playing?
36) How do you make musicians complain? Pay them.
37) What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
38) What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?