A stage mother cornered the concert violinist in his dressing room and insisted he listen to a tape of her talented son playing the violin.
The man agreed to listen, and the woman switched on the tape player. “What music!” the violinist thought. A difficult piece, but played with such genius that it brought tears to his eyes. He listened spellbound to the entire recording.
“Madam,” he whispered, “is that your son?”
“No,” she replied. “That’s Jascha Heifetz. But my son sounds just like him!”
My wife called. She said, “The two kids want you to take them bowling on Saturday, then afterwards they want you to take them to the cinema.”
“It’s either one or the other,” I said. “Otherwise it’s too expensive.”
“OK” she replied. “Which one do you prefer?”
I said, “David!”
Doctor Bloomfield, who was known for extraordinary treatment of arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, almost bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane.
When her turn came, she went into the doctor’s office and, amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes walking completely erect with her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this rushed up to the little old lady and said, “It’s a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you’re walking erect. What did that doctor do?”
“Gave me a longer cane.”
My television set broke so I was forced to rely on the lost art of conversation with the wife at dinner.
“Have you seen the iPad, love?”
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade!
My friend asked me to help him with his crossword puzzle as he was struggling with 4 across.
“What’s the clue?” I asked.
“Overworked postman,” he said.
“How many letters?”
I was asked if I wanted to be an Organ Donor. I told them if you can get it out of my basement it’s yours!
I reluctantly went shopping with my wife so she could buy a new dress. She tried on several but they didn’t fit.
As she came out of the fitting room totally frustrated she remarked, “Nothing my size fits me anymore.”
Guy tells his wife: For your birthday, how about a new car?
Guy: How about a new boat?
Guy: Well then, what do you want?
Wife: I want a divorce.
Guy: I wasn’t planning on spending that much money.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
“Wal-Mart?” the preacher exclaimed. “Why Wal-Mart?”
“Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”
My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff
In my shopping cart says, ‘For fast relief.’
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and The eyesight to tell the difference.
• There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
“Yoo-hoo!” she shouts, “How can I get to the other side?”
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, “You are on the other side.”
• A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “Pull over!”
“No,” the blonde yelle