I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.
I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart!
I may have been in Continent, but I don’t remember what country that was in.
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door she yelled, “I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.”
He turned around and said, “So, you want me to stay?”
A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man’s car. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”
The man replied, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”
The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75 year old scotch didn’t break. Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune.” Then she handed the bottle to the man.
The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.
The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
She replies, “Nah. I think I’ll just wait for the police.”
A very beautiful woman was grocery shopping at a new supermarket that just opened in town when a man approached her.
He said, “You’re really beautiful. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
The woman was surprised and asked, “Sure, but why?”
The man responded, “I lost my wife here a few minutes ago and every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”
Paddy was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching the doctor’s every move, he asked, “What’s that?”
The doctor explained, “This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won’t know a thing.”
“Save your time, Doc,” exclaimed Paddy. “He don’t know nothing now.”
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, “You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you’d like to talk about or ask me?”
“Well,” he said, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”
“That’s a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”
“Yeah, and they’re in favor 15 to 2.”
Death and taxes are inevitable. But at least death doesn’t get worse every year!
Went to my eye doctor the other day. Guess who I bumped into? Everyone!
Two friends, Joe and Charlie, are playing in the playground, hanging off monkey bars and constantly having to swat at the flies that buzz around the playground.
At one point, Charlie hits one and kills it. He says proudly, “Did you see that?”
Joe replies, “That’s nothing, I killed 5 flies yesterday at home, 3 males and 2 females.”
“How could you tell them apart?” asks Charlie.
“Easy – the 3 males were sitting on a case of beer, and the 2 females were on the phone.”
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. “I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes,” she sighed. “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
A tourist asks a man in uniform, “Are you a policeman?”
“No, I am an undercover detective.”
“So why are you in uniform?”
“Today is my day off.”