By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, “The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.”
So before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, a box of chocolates and the rest of my half-gallon of Blue Bell Original Vanilla Bean ice-cream.
A man was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and that she hadn’t gotten the license number.
“What kind of car was he driving?” the husband asked.
“I don’t know,” she said. “I never can tell one car from another.”
At that, the man decided the time had come for a learning course, and for the next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every make.
About a week later she bounded in with a pleased expression on her face. “Darling,” she said. “I hit a Buick today!”
I called an old school friend and asked him what he was doing.
He replied that he is working on “Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment”.
I was impressed.
On further enquiring I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife’s supervision.
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The priest said, “Here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” He said, “Hello George, What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”
The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!”
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here’s anything she can do for them.”
The engineer said, “Why the heck can’t they play at night?”
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with an arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”
Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.
A child comes home from his first day at school.
His mother asks, “Well, what did you learn today?”
The kid replies, “Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow.”
A group of American tourists were on a guided tour through an ancient castle in Europe.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” the guide said, “this castle is over 700 years old. Nothing has been altered or touched in all those years. What you see today, is what it looked like when it was first built.”
“Sounds like they have the same cheap landlord I have!” exclaimed one of the tourists.
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. He would wait in the office behind the main church.
The first man to arrive was a stranger the minister has not seen before.
“Sir, you misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board,” said the minister.
“Oh, I know,” said the man. “And, if there is anyone here more bored than I am, I’d like to meet them.”
what did you call a scared and frightened militiaman fleeing down the same road as a British Loyalist during the American Revolution?
Chicken catch a Tory!
After 40 years of marriage, a husband and wife went for counseling. The wife went into a tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on, she went: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and kissed the wife long and passionately, as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?”
“Well,’’ he said. “I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish!”