What is the difference between a salon and a saloon?
A salon is where you go to make yourself look better.
A saloon is where you go to make everyone else look better.
What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
My wife got a mud-pack, and looked great for two days…
Then the mud fell off.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: “There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt – prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, the wife simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
“Will I be acquitted?”
I walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked me what I had. I said: ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down my name, address, medical insurance number and told me to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked me what I had.
I said, ‘Shingles’ So she wrote down my height, weight, a complete medical history and told me to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked me what I had. I said, ‘Shingles…’
So the nurse gave me a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told me to take off all my clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found me sitting patiently in the nude and asked me what I had.
I said, ‘Shingles.’ The doctor asked, ‘Where?’
I said, ‘Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ’em??’
I told my boss that three companies were after me, so I needed a raise in pay to stay with the current job.
He asked which companies?
I told him gas, electric, and cable.
A magician comes up to our table and does a card trick.
Impressed, I asked him how he did it.
He says “I can tell you, but I’d then have to kidnap you and take you away.”
I said, “Can you tell my mother in law?”
Wife to husband: Do you know what a closet is for?
Husband: Yes. A closet it wear I hang my clothes when all the door knobs are full.
A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, “I’m just a walking economy.”
His friend replies, “What do you mean?”
“It’s like this: My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression.
What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are usually wanted.
It’s not hard to meet expenses. They’re pretty much everywhere.
A young boy watched his grandfather put on shoes with a device he’d never seen before.
The boy asked what it was. As he handed it to the boy, the grandfather answered, “It’s a shoehorn.”
After looking at it and turning it over the boy asked, “How do you play it?”
It was a day before his vacation and the judge was in a happy mood as he asked the defendant, “What are you charged with?”
“Getting my July 4th deals early,” replied the defendant.
“That’s no offense”, said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”
“Before the store opened.”
I’m driving with this guy, and he runs right through a Stop sign. So I say, “Hey, that was a Stop sign.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!”
A few blocks later, he plows right through a red light. I say, “You just ran a red light.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!”
Closer to their house, we’re coming up on a green light, and he slows down. I’m confused, so I say, “It’s green; why are you slowing down?”
He says, “My brother might be coming.”
My barber was trying to to console a debt ridden cutomer: “Cheer up. I knew a guy who owed $5,000 he couldn’t pay. He drove his vehicle to the edge of a cliff, where he sat for over an hour. A group of concerned citizens heard about his problem and passed a hat around. Relieved, the man pulled back from the cliff’s edge.”
“Incredible,” said the client. “Who were these kind people?”
“Hmm, not sure, but I believe they were the passengers on the bus he was driving.
A man comes to the therapist with his wife and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to help us. My wife thinks she’s a chicken!”
The wife clucks and starts pecking at the couch.
The doctor asks with wide eyes, “How long has she had this condition?”
“Two years,” says the man.
“What? Two years? Why did it take you so long to come and see me?” asked the shrink.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, “We needed the eggs.”
Relationships are like algebra. You ever look at your ‘X’ and wonder ‘Y’?
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?