I found this brilliant exercise for people who have a hard time getting into the habit of working out.
Here’s how it goes – begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put one potato in each of the sacks.
A man opens an outdoor stand to sell bagels and puts up a sign, “50 cents each.” A jogger runs past and puts 50 cents into the bucket but doesn’t take a bagel. The next day, he does the same thing. For weeks and then months, this goes on.
One day, as he’s jogging past, the owner joins him. The jogger laughs and says, “I know why you’re here. You want to know why I always put money in the bucket and never take a bagel?”
“No,” says the owner, “not that. I just want to tell you that the bagels have gone up to 60 cents.”
I don’t know why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.
A yat walks in a diner and orders a cup of coffee. When she gets her drink, she notices that it has a “You May be a Winner” sticker on the side of the cup. She peels off the sticker and instantly starts screaming, “I won a motor home!”
“That’s impossible!” replies the waitress. “We didn’t give out motor homes.”
She says “Well, it says so on this sticker.”
The waitress takes the sticker and reads it. It says: “Win a bagel.”
Q: Whatever happened to the bedbugs who fell in love?
A: They got married in the spring.
– You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.
– I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
– I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it Pumping Rust.
– When people see a cat’s litter box, they always say, ‘Oh, have you got a cat?’ Just once I want to say, ‘No, it’s for company!’
– Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, “A good doctor.”
– A penny saved is a government oversight.
– The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
– The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
– If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
– Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He’d never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up to Murphy and said, “Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”
Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church so, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”
The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”
Murphy replied, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?”
Murphy slowly shook his head. “No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’, I remembered where I left me hat.”
The police officer approaches the driver, “When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least.”
The lady driver looks at the officer and replies, “You’re wrong, officer, it’s only my hat that makes me look that old.”
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
The girl knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.”
“What is it, child?”
“Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.”
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin – it’s only a mistake.”
Did you hear that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer never went to school?
That’s right—he was elf taught.