Text message from husband to his wife: A very nice Highway Patrol officer asked me if I was drinking.
I jokingly replied, “That depends, are you buying? Please send bail money.’’
Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital!
Nurse: What is it?
Doctor: It’s a big building with a lot of doctors, but that’s not important now!
Doctor: You’re in good health. You’ll live to be 80.
Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.
Doctor: See, what did I tell you.
Looking down at his patient, the doctor decided to tell him the truth.
“Mr. Smith, I am very sorry to tell you this, you are a very sick man. I’m sure you would want to know the facts. I don’t think you have much time left. Now, is there anyone you would like to see?”
Bending down toward the sick man, the doctor heard him softly answer, “Yes.”
“Who is it?”
In a little stronger tone, the patient said, “Another doctor.”
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not using it in a fruit salad.’’
“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; And to have the two as close together as possible.
– George Burns
“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.”
– Victor Borge
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.’’
– Mark Twain
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.’’
– Groucho Marx
“My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.’’
– Jimmy Durante
“I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.’’
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.’’
– Alex Levine
“My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.’’
– Rodney Dangerfield
“Money can’t buy you happiness …. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.’’
– Spike Milligan
“Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was Shut Up.’’
– Joe Namath
“I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything “til noon. Then it’s time for my nap.”
– Bob Hope
“Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.”
– Winston Churchill
“Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.”
– Phyllis Diller
A woman said to her friend, “I don’t know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can’t imagine. He doesn’t put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things and cleaning up.”
The friend says, “Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, ‘Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'”
The first woman asked, “Did it help?”
Her friend said, “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since.”
A photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the lady of the house. She looked at the photos and commented, “These are great! You must have a good camera.”
He didn’t make any comment, but as he was leaving to go home he said, “That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots.”
“They send us on bus tours!”Two older women who were rivals in a social circle met at a party.
“My dear,” said the first woman “Are those real pearls?”
“They are,” replied the second woman.
“Of course the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them,” smiled the first woman.
The second responded, “Yes, but for that you would need real teeth.”
A very thirsty man goes into a bar. As he’s sitting down, he hears the man next to him tell the bartender, “I’ll have another waterloo.”
The bartender gives the fellow a tall, well-iced drink, then asks the newcomer what he would like to drink.
Thinking the other man’s drink may be a specialty of the house, he says, “I’ll have a waterloo, too.”
The bartender gives him the tall, well-iced drink and the customer takes a big drink. “Hey,” he says. “This isn’t any good. It tastes just like water!”
The man next to him looks at the bartender and says, “Well, it is water. Right, Lou?”
A new nurse listened while the doctor was yelling, “Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!”
The new nurse asked another nurse, “Why is he doing that?”
The other nurse replied, “Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here.”
Golfer: “That can’t