“Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?”
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?
He was outstanding in his field!
The math teacher saw that Daphne wasn’t paying attention in class.
She called on her and said, “Daphne! What are 2 and 4, and 28 and 44?”
Daphne quickly replied, “ABC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!”
What blood type does an optimist have?
Police officer talks to a driver: “Your tail light is broken, your tires must be changed, and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars!”
Driver: “Alright, go ahead and do it. They want twice as much as that at the garage.”
A Rabbi, a Hindu priest and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car broke down. They set out to find help and came to a farmhouse.
When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed.
The Rabbi let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming, “I can’t sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It’s against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!”
The Hindu priest said he would sleep in the barn. However, about five minutes later, he burst through the bedroom door saying, “There’s a cow in the barn! I can’t sleep in the same room as a cow! It’s against my religion!”
The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he’d go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals. In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered.
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
“We’re supposed to find the height of this flagpole,” said one, “but we don’t have a ladder.”
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, “Twenty one feet, six inches,” and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, “A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length.”
Last week our police station was broken into and the commode was stolen from the rest room.
Yesterday the police reported that the investigation is ongoing but they still have nothing to go on.
I’m great at multi-tasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
“A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.’’
– Thomas Jefferson
“We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.’’
• You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealth out of prosperity.
• What one person receives without working for…another person must work for without receiving.
• The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
• You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.
• When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work, because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work, because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation!
If pro is the opposite of con, what’s the opposite of progress? Congress!
The Washington Post’s Style Invitational also asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners…
– Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
– Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn’t get it.
– Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
– Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
– Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in
the fruit you’re eating.
Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. His co-worker, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.
Andy replied, “Oh, nothing. Just a little hockey accident.”
Josh said, “Gee, I never knew you played hockey.”
Andy replied, “No, I don’t. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup Play-offs. I put my foot through the television.”
• Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.
• He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.