A father texts his son: “My dear son, today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life. My best love and good wishes. Your Father.”
His son texts back: “Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn’t actually until tomorrow!”
His Father replies: “I know.”
After weeks of getting the cold shoulder from his wife, the unhappy husband finally confronted her.
“Admit it, Linda. The only reason you married me is because my grandfather left me $10 million.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” she replied. “I don’t care who left it to you.”
A young deer in the woods learned to use all four hooves equally well… He was bambidextrous.
A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.
“It’s a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway,” he said.
“Actually,” said his guide, “it’s named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation.”
The visitor was astonished. “Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?”
“Yes, indeed,” said his guide. “He wrote a check.”
A woman rushes into the foyer of a large hotel and sprints up to reception, she hammers on the bell.
“Yes,” says the receptionist irritably.
“Excuse me,” says the woman, “but I’m in a frightful hurry, could you check me out very quickly, please?”
The clerk stares at her, looks her up and down. “Not bad,” he said.
Wife: Why are you late?
Husband: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Wife: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Husband: No, I was standing on it.
Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, “What a beautiful night. Look at that moon!”
The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. “You are wrong. That’s not the moon; that’s the sun!”
Both continued arguing for awhile when they came upon another drunk walking along. So they stopped him and said, “Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining. Is it the moon or the sun?”
The third drunk look at the sky and then looked at them and said, “Sorry, I don’t live around here.”
A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock.
“Help. Is there anybody up there?” he shouted.
A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:
“I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me.”
“Yes, yes, I trust you!” cried the man.
“Let go of the branch,” boomed the voice.
There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, “Is there anyone else up there I could talk to.’’
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road, and the car became bogged.
After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted, and minutes later, the car was free.
The farmer turned to the husband and said, “You know, you’re the tenth car I’ve helped out of the mud today.”
The husband looks around at the fields, incredulously, and asks the farmer, “When do you have time to plow your land? At night?”
“No,” the young farmer replied, seriously. “At night, I fill that hole with water.”
Husband stepping out of the shower, “Honey, I think I’m losing weight. My towel’s fitting a lot looser!”
Q: What is a soprano’s favorite drink growing up?
A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend’s yard sale. “My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale,” she said.
“I’m sure he’ll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found,” her friend replied.
“Normally, yes,” she said. “But he just broke his leg, and he’s waiting for me to take him to the hospital.”
– If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years, whether or not you are successful.
– Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?
– What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?
– If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
– Which letter is silent in the word “Scent,” the S or the C?
– Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn’t it be called double V?
– Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.
– Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty
– The word “swims” upside-down is still “swims”.
– Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.
– 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
– If you replace “W” with “T” in “What, Where and When,” you get the answer to each of them.