Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job?
A: Because it was soda pressing.
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.
Cop: “Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway — why are you going so slow?”
Sister: “Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65.”
Cop: “Oh sister, that’s not the speed limit, that’s the name of the highway you’re on!
Sister: “Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.”
At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.
Cop: “Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends back there? They’re shaking something terrible.”
Sister: “Oh, we just got off of highway 119.”
Why don’t skeletons ever get mad?
Nothing gets under their skin.
What do cows put in their coffee?
Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”
Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago.”
Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.”
Caddy: “It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.”
• The nicest thing about the future is . . . that it always starts tomorrow.
• Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
• If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense at all.
• A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.
• How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
Business conventions are important. . .because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
• Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
• Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.
• There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
An elderly lady came to see a young male doctor with her husband. After the consultation was finished, the elderly man suddenly asked the doctor for a piece of paper and a pen.
Although a strange request, he complied, and the man quickly wrote something, then handed the folded piece of paper to the doctor. He told him to read it as soon as they had left.
The doctor thought that the man perhaps had an embarrassing medical complaint he didn’t want to talk about in front of his wife, so the doctor didn’t hesitate in obeying the request. Once the couple had left the room, the doctor sat down and read the piece of paper.
Its contents were thus: “Your fly is undone.”
The person sitting next to me on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I used one of my pick-up lines on her. I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”
“Yes,” she replied, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”
The 10 worst things to say to a cop who pulls you over…
10. Your so-called “speed limits” mean nothing to me flatfoot. I live my life one quarter-mile at a time.
9. You again? I thought I lost you at that last red light.
8. Aren’t you going to strip search me, big boy?
7. I am not the droid you’re looking for. You don’t need to see my papers.
6. Darn! My radar detector must be broken again.
5. You better hurry up with that ticket. Dunkin’ Donuts closes in 15 minutes.
4. You’re not going to search my trunk are you?
3. How about you watch my friend Ben Franklin while I get my registration?
2. Sorry I was speeding officer, but your daughter said she had to be home by eleven.
1. Hey Barney! How are things in Mayberry?
New Year’s Diet for Stress…
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars
Late Evening News:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecak
stuff you wish you could say at work…
– I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
– A cubicle is just a