What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
To show my wife how much I love her I bought her a beautiful diamond ring I had it engraved with the cost.
I set aside a dollar every time a woman found me unattractive…
Now they are starting to find me attractive.
A local barber in my area just got arrested for selling drugs.
Blew my mind, I’ve been his customer for years and had no idea he was a barber!
One week our preacher preached on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The director then led the choir in singing, ‘I Shall Not Be Moved.’
The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The hymn was ‘I Love To Tell The Story.’
The preacher became disgusted over the situation, and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning. The choir then sang ‘Oh, Why Not Tonight.’
When the preacher resigned the next week, he told the church that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was taking him away. The choir then sang, ‘What A Friend We Have in Jesus.’
Two young lady friends hadn’t seen each other in a long time and decided to meet for lunch. Their conversation got around to their respective love lives.
Heather started smiling like crazy when talking about her new beau. “He’s perfect. He’s so sweet. Then last night he said those four little words I’ve been waiting to hear.”
“What? He asked you to marry him?” Marcy asked.
Heather said, “No, he said ‘put your money away.'”
Do you know why the banana put aloe vera on its sunburn? Because it was peeling.
I invented some new cookware. But the critics panned it.
Why don’t skeletons ever get mad? Nothing gets under their skin.
The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front door. “Lady,” he announced, “I’m the piano tuner.”
The lady exclaimed, “Why, I didn’t send for a piano tuner.”
The man replied, “I know, but your neighbors did.”
Interviewer: So what do you have planned for the future?
Interviewer: No, I mean long term.
Me: Oh… Dinner.
One day at a local café, a woman suddenly called out, “My daughter’s choking! She swallowed a nickel! Please, anyone, help!”
Immediately a man at a nearby table rushed up to her and said he was experienced in these situations. He calmly stepped over to the girl, then with no look of concern, wrapped his arms around her and squeezed. Out popped the nickel.
The man returned to his table as if nothing had happened.
“Thank you!” the mother cried. “Tell me, are you a doctor?”
“No,” the man replied. “I work for the IRS.”
Questions that Make You Go Huh?
– How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
– What happens if you get scared to death twice?
– If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?
– If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
– If you write a book about failure, and it doesn’t sell, is it a success?
– If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
– If Superman is so smart, why does he wear underpants over his trousers?
During training exercises, the Lieutenant was driving down a muddy back road when he encountered another car stuck in the mud, with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.
“Your jeep stuck, sir?” asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
“Nope,” replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, “Yours is!”
I opened my electric bill at the same time I opened my water bill.
Needless to say, I was shocked.
A man goes to a doctor and says, “Doctor, I have a very serious problem. I only hear half of everything.”
“That can’t be,” answers the doctor. “Either you can hear everything or you hear nothing. Repeat after me… Ninety Six.”
The man quickly replies, “Forty eight!”
Things you should probably not say to your boss…
– Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
– Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
– Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
– Chaos, panic, &disorder — my work here is done.