Two friends are talking and one says to the other, “I am so tired of people not understanding what I’m talking about.”
His friend asks, “What do you mean?”
I had an appointment with my cardiologist yesterday and on his door it read 8 to 5.
I left immediately!
I have to have better odds than that.
A neighbor asked his friend, who was celebrating 50 years of marriage, what the secret was to a long and happy marriage?
His friend replied, “When we were first married, we vowed to go out twice a week no matter how little money we had and we have done so for 50 years.”
“Twice a week, you say?”
“Yeah. She goes out on Tuesday and I go out on Friday.”
Teacher: “Class, we’ll have only half a day of school today morning.”
Teacher: “We’ll have the other half this afternoon.”
I said to my wife, “I need to call the doctor today.”
“Which doctor?” she asked.
“No, the regular kind.”
A man went to his doctor to go over his blood work results. As soon as he entered the doctor’s office, the doctor said to him, “I just looked at your results. You are lucky that you come to see me early enough…”
The man became very nervous and asked, “What’s wrong with my blood work?”
“Oh nothing! Just that I’ll be leaving my office early today,” replied the doctor.
A baseball manager who had an ulcer went to see his doctor for a checkup.
“Remember,” the doctor said, “don’t get excited, don’t get mad, and forget about baseball when you’re off the field.”
Then he added, “By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second.’’ and two men out in the ninth?”
I went to my nearby Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists’ high counter is located.
I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.
The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me. I said, “Yes! Could you please taste this for me?
Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along. He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around. Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.
When he was finally finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?”
The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, “Heck No!!!”
I said, “Oh, thank God! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!”
The CEO of a large cooperation was giving advice to a junior executive. “I was young, married and out of work,” he lectured. “I took the last nickel I had and bought an apple. I polished it and sold it for a dime. The next day I bought two apples, polished them and sold them for ten cents each.”
“I see,” said the junior executive. “You kept reinvesting your money and grew a big business.”
“No,” said the CEO. “Then my wife’s father died and left us a fortune.”
“Doctor, doctor, you have to help me out!”
“Certainly, not a problem. Which way did you come in?”
A customer walks into a dress shop and ask, “May I try on that dress in the window?”
The salesperson replies, “We prefer you use the dressing rooms.”
Why didn’t the man report his stolen credit card?
The thief was spending less than his wife.
Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper. The others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines, and reeled in their catch.
A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he knew the other two.
“Oh yes,” he said. “They‘re my friends.”
“In that case,” warned the officer, “you’d better get them out of here!”
“Yes, sir,” the man replied