A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door she yelled, “I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.”
He turned around and said, “So, you want me to stay?”
The other day my wife started a conversation with a weird question… “Are you even listening to me.”
My wife had mentioned several times that she hoped I could get our grass mowed this weekend. Well, I procrastinated a bit too long and while I was watching football on TV, there was a 37 yard pass with a spectacular catch for a go ahead touchdown.
I jumped up and shouted, “Did you see that?”
And my wife said, “Yes, I see… what a lovely lawn they have.”
Little Hope was practicing the violin in the living room while her father was trying to read in the den.
The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Hope’s violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.
The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could before he yelled above the noise, “Can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know?”
How did the girl break up with tractor salesman? She sent him a John Deere letter.
Mikey: “I ate a submarine sandwich for lunch and I think I’m going to be sick.”
Mother: “What makes you say that?”
Mikey: “It’s starting to surface.”
We’ve just played the Christmas edition of Clue. My wife murdered the Christmas dinner, in the kitchen, with the oven!
Customer: “Excuse me waiter, this coffee tastes like mud.”
Waiter: “Yes sir, it’s fresh ground.”
Mark was passing by the bar on the way home from work when he sees his good friend Tom gulping down one shot after another.
Fearing the worst, Mark charged into the bar and confronted Tom. “Tom what’s going on?” Mark asked.
“It’s my wife Beckie,” Tom replied. “She ran off with my best friend!”
“Hey wait a second!” said Mark. “I thought I was your best friend.”
“Not any more,” Tom said. “He is!”
My wife has weekly lessons with Satan on how to be more evil. I can vouch that what ever she charges him is well worth it.
I was not ready for retirement and was looking for a new adventure. So I decided to take up fencing. My neighbors have threatened to call the police if I don’t put it back.
My son thinks I set the bar too high for him as a child. It seems like he never got over it.
A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, “Can I park here?”
“No, sorry.” says the cop.
“What about all these other cars?”
“Well, they didn’t ask.”
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Figs. Figs who? Figs your doorbell!
A traffic Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.
She said, “I’m Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan.”
The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, “Well… OK… but don’t let me catch you speeding again.”
Top Ten Caddy Comments…
Golfer: “Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.”
Caddy: “Think you can keep your head down that long?”
Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”
Caddy: “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”
Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.”
Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?”
Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.”
Caddy: “I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.”
Golfer: “How do you like my game?”
Caddy: “Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.”
Golfer: “Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?”
Caddy: “The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day.”