Top Ten Questions that Make You Go Huh???????
– How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
– If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
– If you write a book about failure, and it doesn’t sell, is it a success?
– If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
– If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
– If Superman is so smart, why does he wear underpants over his trousers?
I walked into my sister’s kitchen and found my nephew having a snack. “Where’s your mother?” I asked.
“She is upstairs, said she was going to take a shower. Hang on, let me check.”
He stepped into the nearby bathroom and flushed the toilet. A second later a sharp yell came from upstairs.
“Yep, she’s in the shower,” said my nephew.
When I am told, “You’ll regret that in the morning,” I don’t let it bother me. I just sleep in till noon.
A guy placed an ad on a Local Affairs website: “I have two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl, both box seats. I paid $2500 for each ticket, but I didn’t realize last year when I bought them that it was going to be on the same day as my wedding. I am looking for someone to take my place. The wedding is at St. Thomas Church, Providence at 3pm. Her name is Amanda. She’s 5’6″, about 130 lbs. She is a good cook, too. She’ll be the one in the white dress.”
A lawyer named Strange passed away. His friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, “Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.”
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for a passerby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However, he suggested an alternative. He would inscribe, “Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.”
That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark, “That’s Strange.”
A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to do something about my husband — he thinks he’s a refrigerator!”
“I wouldn’t worry too much about it,” the doctor replies. “Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.”
“But you don’t understand,” the woman insists. “He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.”
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
“Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret to my success,” he cackled. “I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.”
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
He replied, “Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”
I was having lunch with Bobby Fischer, the former world chess champion, and the table had a checkered tablecloth….It took him two hours to pass the salt!
I was stunned last night when my wife told me I was too wrapped up in myself…..When did I get a wife?
A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She wrote her will and made her final arrangements. She had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomindgales.
“Bloomingdales!” her lawyer said. “Why Bloomingdales?”
“That way, I know my daughters will visit me at least twice a week.”
“Grandpa, do you mind if I play my new harmonica in here?” asked little Phil.
“Of course not, Phil. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life.”
“What happened?” asked Phil.
“Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke and when the water hit our house it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely.”
“How about you?”
“Well, I accompanied her on the piano!”
I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
“This is the 21st century,” she said. “We don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.”
I can tell you this. That fly never knew what hit him!
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?
A preacher on his deathbed summoned his two lawyers. They came, and he asked them to sit on either side of his bed and hold his hands.
They sat thus for a long while until the doctor stirred and said, “You don’t have long on this earth, Reverend. Can you tell us why you asked us to come?”
The old preacher stirred himself wheezed and said, “Well, Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s the way I want to go too.”