As a child, I always had a fear of someone under the bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him: “I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.”
“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink. “Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?” “One hundred fifty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.
“I’ll sleep on it,” I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
“Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.
“Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400. A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.”
“Is that so?” he said with a bit of an attitude, “and how may I ask did a bartender cure you?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain’t nobody under there now.”
It’s always good to get a second opinion.
Doctor, Doctor, I have a hoarse throat.”
“Well I hate to break it you, but the resemblance doesn’t end there.”
The phlebotomist entered the hospital room to draw blood. Noticing an apple on the patient’s nightstand, she remarked, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.”
“That’s true,” the patient replied. “I haven’t seen a doctor in three days.”
“That’s a nice plant,” said a woman at the florist’s shop, pointing to the flower I was buying.”
“Yeah, my wife and I had an argument,” I admitted. “I was going to buy her a dozen roses, but I don’t think she’s THAT mad at me.”
An important and very well publicized murder trial was soon to begin. In preparation for the trial, the tiresome jury selection process took place, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors.
One prospective juror was called for his question session.
He was asked, “Property holder?”
Dan replied, “Yes, I am, Your Honor.”
Then he was asked, “Married or single?”
Dan responded, “Married for twenty years, Your Honor.”
Then the judge asked, “Formed or expressed an opinion?”
Dan stated, “Not in twenty years, Your Honor.”
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him … A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
A husband, being unhappy with his wife’s mood swings, bought her a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor her moods.
When she’s in a good mood, it turns green. When she’s in a bad mood, it leaves a giant red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he’ll buy her a diamond.
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”
Due to a job transfer, Brian moved from his hometown to New York City. Being that he had a very comprehensive health history, he brought along all of his medical paperwork when it came time for his first check up with his new doctor. The doctor kept glancing at Brian as he reviewed the medical paperwork.
After browsing through the extensive medical history, the doctor stared at Brian for a few moments and said, “Well there’s one thing I can say for certain, you sure look better in person than you do on paper!”
There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. “Yoo-hoo!” she shouts, “How can I get to the other side?”
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, “You are on the other side.”