Two silkworms had a race that ended in a tie

I don’t know why most people think a dog’s life is so easy.
Every time I come home from work, I ask my dog how his day went.
He always says, “Rough!”
Dave Feherty of CBS Golf and Golf Channe finds very unique, colorful and uninhibited ways of explaining or describing whatever is on his mind. A few of his quotes • “That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn’t find it if it was wrapped in bacon.”
• “I am sorry Nick Faldo couldn’t be here this week. He is attending the birth of his next wife.”
• “Jim Furyk’s swing “looks like an octopus falling out of a tree.”
• “That’s a great shot with that swing.”
• “It’s OK – the bunker stopped it.”
• “It’s just a glorious day. The only way to ruin a day like this would be to play golf on it.”
• “That was a great shot – if they’d have put the pin there today.”
• “Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a balloon near the edge of a cliff.”
• “It would be easier to pick a broken nose, than a winner in that group.”
Two women are talking in a park. The first one says, “See my new diamond ring? My husband bought it for me.”
The second one answers, “Oh, that’s nice! That’s really, really nice!”
“And see that shiny new car parked over there? My husband bought it for me.”
The second one replies, “Oh, that’s nice! That’s really, really nice!”
The first one reveals, “And you know that big white house at the top of the hill? My husband is gonna buy that for me.”
The second one answers, “Oh, that’s nice! That’s really, really nice!”
The first one apologizes, “Oh, I’m sorry, here I am, going on and on about myself! Tell me, what have you been up to?”
The second one responds, “Well, I’ve just completed a course on politeness.”
The first one asks, “A course on politeness? Why would you spend time on something like that?”
The second one answers, “Because I used to say, ‘Who gives a hoot?’ but now I say, ‘Oh, that’s nice! That’s really, really nice!'”
A thief was arrested for breaking into a Toys “R” Us store and stealing a board game. He got Life.
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, “Do you know her?”
“Yes,” sighs the husband, “she’s my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” says the wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
A man is applying for a job in a circus. The interviewer asks: “So what can you do?”
“I can do a really good bird impression” replied the man
“Oh we already have people who do that here, we won’t be needing you for that”
“Oh well,” the man said before he flew away.
A French policeman stops an Englishman’s car and asks if he has been drinking.
The Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malt scotches there-after.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to breath test the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed completely hammered.
He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French law, he is going to be arrested.
The Englishman answers with a bit of humor, “No sir, I do not! But while we’re asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and my wife is driving on the other side?”
• I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
• She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.
• A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
• No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
• A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
• A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
• Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
• A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here; I’ll go on a head.
• I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.