When my three-year-old son opened the Christmas gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. I was not pleased.
I turned to Mom and said, “I’m surprised at you. Don’t you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?”
Mom smiled and then replied, “Oh, I remember very well dear.”
December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas.
Some insist on a shirt.
Others insist on a pair of socks.
The argument always ends in a tie.
What do you do when you see a SPACEMAN?
You park your car in it!
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.
That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
“Where’s Henry?” the others asked.
“Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,” the successful hunter replied.
“You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?” they inquired.
“A tough call,” nodded the hunter. “But I figured no one is going to steal Henry.’’
An angel appears at a college faculty meeting and tells the Dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, infinite wisdom, or infinite beauty. Without hesitating, the Dean selects infinite wisdom.
“Done!” says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.
Now, all heads turn toward the Dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, “Say something.”
The Dean sighs and says, “I should have taken the money.”
After the honeymoon, the new wife tells her husband, “I think it’s time for you to stop playing golf. In fact, you might as well sell all of your clubs.”
The husband replies, “You’re starting to sound like my ex-wife.”
His wife says, “I thought you said you’ve never been married before?”
The husband says, “I haven’t.”
One of my friends hates exercise. To her, getting up in the morning is a moving violation.
The only exercise she get is pushing her luck, stretching the truth, and jumping to conclusions.
Although, she has been known to carry a grudge.
An economist asked, “When was beef the highest?”
A 6 year old replied, “When the cow jumped over the moon?”
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
A friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-wheel drive vehicles?”
“She did,” he replied, “But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!”
People go on vacation to forget things…Then they open their travel bags and find that they did.
Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city. One asked the other, “Your son go back to college yet?”
“Two days ago.”
“Hmm. What’s your boy going to be when he gets out of college?”
“At the rate he’s going, I’d say he’ll be about thirty.”
“No, I mean what’s he taking in college?”
“He’s taking every penny I make.”
“Doesn’t he burn the midnight oil enough?”
“He doesn’t get in early enough to burn the midnight oil.”
“Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?”
“Sure has! It’s totally cured his mother of bragging about him!”
The wife, whose husband has a collection of guitars, was before the judge after smashing every single one of them.
The judge ask s, “First offender?”
She replied, “No, your honor. First a Gibson, second a Fender.”
A pastor explained to his congregation that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns.
The pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered a roll of $100 bills. He was so excited that he said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”
How come the lifeguard couldn’t save the hippie?
He was just too far out man.
“Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?”
“Honest?” replied the lawyer. “Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”
“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”
“He sued me for the money.”
Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.”
Caddy: “I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.”
Golfer: “How do you like my game?”
Caddy: “Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.”
Why did the EMT’s travel in sets of two?
They wanted to be a pair-of-medics.