I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off

She texted me: Your adorable!
I replied: No. You’re adorable!
Now she likes me a lot. All I did was point out her typo.
Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks.
The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, “The plane can only take four of your elk, you will have to leave two behind.”
They argued with him. The year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when they attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, “Do you know where we are?”
“I think so,” replied the other hunter. “I think this is about the same place where we landed last year!”
A final Christmas Joke…
The 4 stages of man…
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.
He looks like Santa Claus.
“Why doesn’t your mother like me?” a woman asks her boyfriend.
“Don’t take it personally,” he assures her. “She’s never liked anyone I’ve dated. I once dated someone exactly like her, and that didn’t work out at all.”
“What happened?”
“My father couldn’t stand her.”
– My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
– The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.
– A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
– My next house will have no kitchen – just vending machines and a large trash can.
– I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just still keep it on film. And they never develop it.
1. A bicycle can’t stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it’s your vote that counts; In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
17. Every calendar’s days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. ‘Taint yours and ‘taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
– like, it could be the right number.
No one ever says “It’s only a game” when their team is winning.
I’ve reached the age where ‘happy hour’ is a nap.
Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
After 60, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you’re probably dead.
Always be yourself because the people that matter don’t mind . . . . and the ones that mind don’t matter.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.