Tax collector: “It is your duty as a citizen to pay taxes, and we expect you to pay them with a smile.”
Taxpayer: “Wonderful! I thought you expected me to pay them with cash!”
10 Signs You Know You Bought A Bad Computer…
Submitted by JokerBoy
1. Lower corner of screen has the words “Etch-a-sketch” on it.
2. It’s celebrity spokesman is that “Hey Vern!” guy.
3. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend’s car.
4. It’s slogan is “Pentium: redefining mathematics”.
5. The “quick reference” manual is 120 pages long.
6. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
7. The screen often displays the message, “Ain’t it break time yet?”
8. The manual contains only one sentence: “Good Luck!”
9. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
10. You’ve decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
Dr. Seuss as Technical Writer….
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted ’cause the index doesn’t hash, then your situation’s hopeless and your system’s gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, ’cause as sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang!
If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?”
“You don’t know your arithmetic.”
“You don’t know my father!”
Why didn’t the frog sit on the toadstool?
Because there wasn’t mushroom.
I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper.
She told me that newspapers are old school.
She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
The fly didn’t stand a chance.
As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian. She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention.
She looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck’s path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped. I rushed to the woman’s side to see if she was all right.
“I’m fine,” she assured me,”but I hate to think what could have happened to me if that dog hadn’t honked.”
Veronica was practicing the piano when suddenly there was a loud pounding on the front door. She opened it and found a breathless cop.
“What’s the matter?!” she asked.
“Where’s the body?!” demanded the officer.
“What are you talking about?”
“We just got a tip that some guy named Mozart was being butchered to pieces in this house.”
Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course.”
Caddy: “Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.”
A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year. Here are this year’s 2017 winning submissions…
• When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
• A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
• When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
• The batteries were given out free of charge.
• A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
• A will is a dead giveaway.
• With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
• A boiled egg is hard to beat.
• When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
• Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
• Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
• A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.
• When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
• The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
• He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
• When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.
• Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.
• Those who get too big for their britches will be totally exposed in the end.
A guy brings one of his golf buddies home unannounced for dinner at 6:00, after enjoying a day of golf.
His wife screams her head off while his buddy sits at the kitchen table, open mouthed, listening to the tirade.
“My hair and makeup are’nt done, the house is a mess and the dishes are still in the sink. I’m completely exhausted! I didn’t get enough sleep last night. Can’t you see I’m still in my damn pajamas? I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the F did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you inconsiderate birdbrain!?”
“Because he’s …thinking of getting married”