10 Tips for driving thru Atlanta

10 Tips for driving thru Atlanta…
1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, Atlana. Old-timers are still allowed to call it Alana.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5 a.m. to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7 p.m. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on the city’s interstates is expected to at least match the highway number.
4. Ferraris and Lamborghinis owned by sports stars go first at a four-way stop. Cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go second. The trucks with the biggest tires go third.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light or stop sign, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
6. Never honk at anyone. Seriously. It’s another offense that can get you shot.
7. Road construction is permanent and continuous. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting.
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, you can assume it was accidentally activated.
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A blind rabbit and a blind snake bump into each other.
“What are you?” asked one.
“I don’t know because I am blind” said the other.
So the snake said “I will feel you and describe you and then we will switch. You have strong back legs, soft fur, a fluffy tail and big ears.”
“Oh, I must be a rabbit. My turn. You are a cold-blooded, slimy low-life with a forked tongue.”
“Oh my God, I am a lawyer,” said the snake.
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“You see, doctor, I’m always dizzy for half an hour after I get up in the morning,” said Carla.
“Try getting up half an hour later,” replied the doctor.
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Waking into the lingerie store, the hard-of-hearing customer says to the clerk, “I’d like to buy a pair of stockings for my wife.”
The clerk asks, “Sheer?”
And the man replies, “No, she is in another store.”
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A bent-over old lady hobbled into a doctor’s office. Within minutes, she came out again standing up as straight as could be.
A man in the waiting room said in amazement, “My goodness, what did the doctor do to you?”
The old lady replied, “He gave me a longer cane.”
••••••••••
Three vampires walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them suspiciously, but decides to serve them anyway. “What’ll be, boys?”
The first vampire says, “Blood. Give me blood.”
The second vampire says, “I too wish for blood!”
The third vampire says, “Give me plasma.”
The Bartender smiles and says, “Got it. Two bloods and one blood-light.”
••••••••••
I was trying to decide what to do for a talent show I planned to enter.
Trusting my mother to help me out, I asked, “What do you think I should do, sing or put on a comedy act?”
She said dryly, “What’s the difference?”
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John: “Can you loan me a hundred dollars?”
Fred: “I don’t have that much on me.”
John: “Well, just give me what you have and you can owe me the rest.”
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A weasel is dining at a Restaurant. He takes his seat and starts looking over the menu.
The waiter then asks, “What can I get you to drink, sir?”
“Oh, not much. Just a Diet Pop,” goes the weasel.
••••••••••
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
••••••••••
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.
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More silly stuff to ponder…
• Did Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have an “S” in it?