I d really feel bad for the Class of 2020. People say your senior year flies. I just didn’t realize it would Zoom!
The same guy has robbed the same bank three times in the last 30 days.
The FBI, in charge of preventing a fourth robbery ask the nervous bank teller, “Have you noticed anything in particular about the robber?”
“Yes,” the teller replied. “I notice that each time he comes into the bank he’s much better dressed.”
Mother Lion: Junior, what are you doing?
Lion Cub: I’m chasing a hunter around a tree.
Mother Lion: How many times must I tell you not to play with your food?
My husband made me mad today so I poured some water in front of the washer. He’s been in there for 2 hours trying to fix the washer.
What happened when they crossed a carrier pigeon with a woodpecker?
The bird not only delivered the mail, but also knocked on the door.
The son has finally saved enough money to buy his own house. It is just a few houses down the road from where his parents still live.
On the day he moves in he invites some friends over, turns On the music and drinking a few beers. As the son was making his toast and said, “I don’t have to listen to my parents anymore”, the phone rings. He goes inside to answer and is silent when he rejoins the party.
“Who was that?” ask one of the guests.
“Well,” replied the son. “It was my father telling me to turn down the music as there are people in the neighborhood that are trying to sleep.”
There is a guy stealing iPhones around town. At some point he’s going to face time.
A woman saw an electrician walking up her drive and rushed to the door.
“Why did you come today?” she barked. “You were supposed to repair the doorbell yesterday?
I know,” the electrician replied. “I rang three times. There was no answer, so I thought you must be out.”
A man went to his doctor and said, “Help me, doctor. I think my eyesight is getting worse.”
The doctor asked the man to look out the window. “Tell me what you see,” he said, pointing.
“I see the sun,” the man replied.
The doctor turned to him and asked, “Just how much farther do you want to see?”
A man stops by his local florist shop to buy flowers for his new girlfriend. He asks the proprietor, “You know the expression, ‘You should say it with flowers’?”
“How about three dozen of my finest roses?” the florist asks.
“Make it a half dozen roses,” the man answers. “I’m a man of few words.”
My dad walked me down the aisle at my third wedding.
He said, “I keep giving you away… and they keep giving you back!”
What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?
A golfer goes whack and then “Darn!” while a skydiver goes “Darn!” and then whack.
Interviewer: Your asking for a pretty high salary for someone without any experience.
Interviewee: Well, this job is going to be super hard since I don’t know what I’m doing.
Give a man a fish and you will feed him for the day.
Teach a man to fish and he’s going to spend a fortune on gear he’ll use twice a year!
My uncle was crushed by a piano. His funeral was very low key
A proud father never tired of telling how smart his son Arthur was.
“Arthur could recite the Gettysburg Address when he was ten years old. Lincoln didn’t say it until he was fifty!”
The real estate agent is following up with an elderly gentlemen after showing him a new home. Over the phone the agent indicated, “This house will be worth double what you paid for it in a few years.”
The older gentleman laughs, “At my age, it’s a risk buying green bananas.”
Suzie: Mom, I’m doing Geography homework. Where are the Andes?
Mother (not listening closely): How should I know? If you’d put your things away where they belong, you’d be able to find them.