An American tourist was visiting a small village in Newfoundland. He approached a local person and asked, “What’s the quickest way to Marystown?”
The local, scratched his head, “Are ya walkin’ er drivin’?” he asked the stranger.
“I’m driving,” said the stranger.
“Well, that’s the quickest way.”
My wife said to me, “How on earth are we going to use 9% less gas this winter?”
“You can stop burning my dinner for a start,” I replied.
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I’m going crazy!”
“Let me take care of it,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“A hundred dollars per visit.”
“I’ll sleep on it,” said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.
“For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Candidate: “There was a relocation.”
Interviewer: “You moved?”
Candidate: “No, my company did. They just didn’t tell me where to.”
It’s strange to think 75 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.
Today everyone has a car and only the rich own horses.
Tom was so excited about his promotion to vice president of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife.
Finally she couldn’t take it any longer, and told him, “Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!”
“Really?” he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.
A clerk answers and Tom says, “Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?”
The clerk replies, “Canned or frozen?”
A man wanted to be dismissed from jury duty, but none of his excuses worked. So on the day of the trial, he asked to approach the bench. “Your Honor,” he said, “I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant.”
“Oh?” the judge asked.
“Yes!” the man replied. “I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face, and I thought, ‘He’s a crook! He’s 100% guilty.’ So, your Honor, I couldn’t possibly be on this jury!”
The judge replied, “Get back in the jury box. You are just the kind of juror we are seeking–a good judge of character.”
The man protested, “How can you say that?”
“Because,” the judge said, “that man is the defendant’s lawyer.”
“Evidently, my pain pills are not working.””Why do you say that?”
“Well, you’re still here.”
After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, Sarah decided she had been stood up.
Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, and resigned herself to an evening of TV.
No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV when the doorbell rang and there stood her date.
He took one look and gasped. “I’m two hours late and you are still not ready?”
A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, “This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a handsome tip.”
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, “The wife did it.”
Interviewer: What drives you?
Candidate: The bus mostly.
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
Candidate: Missing the bus!
Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
On anniversaries, the wise husband alway forgets the past – but never the present.
Many girls like to marry a military man – he can make beds, is in good health, and already used to taking orders.
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.
Attached to the back of an Amish carriage in Pennsylvania: “Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.”