A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory

After dinner one evening a the President was entertaining their house guest by playing the piano.
At one point he turned to the visitor and said, “I understand you love music?”
“Yes,” murmured the guest politely. “But never you mind, you keep right on playing.”
My neighbor rang on my doorbell at 3 a.m. Can you believe it!?
Luckily I was still up playing the drums.
I always believed onions were the only food that could make you cry. Then my dad hit me in the face with a coconut!
Everyone knows I’m a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to “decifer” them, I had to set him straight.
“Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f,” I wrote. “In case you’ve forgotten, spell-checker comes free with your computer’s operating system.”
A minute later came his reply, “Must be dephective.”
Me: “What l am worried about is my height and not my weight.”
Doctor: “How come?”
Me: “According to my weight, my height should be 7 feet, 8 inches.”
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and trembles?
A nervous wreck.
A man walked up to the counter of an auto-part store. “Excuse me,” he said, “I’d like to get a new gas cap for my Yugo.”
“Sounds like a fair exchange to me,” replied the clerk.
There was once a young man who,in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define ‘great’ he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for an internet service provider writing error messages.
A man walks into his doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I’ve eaten something that disagrees with me.”
A voice from the man’s stomach says, “No, you haven’t.”
Steven Wright, erudite scientist and deadpan comic, once said, ‘” woke up one morning
and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.” His mind sees things differently. For example:
• I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
• Borrow money from pessimists. They don’t expect it back.
• Half the people you know are below average.
• 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
• A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend. But she left me before we met.
• What’s the speed of dark?
• How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
• I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic told me he couldn’t repair my brakes, so he made my horn louder.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
• If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
I found a rock that is 1760 yards long. It must be a milestone.
A state trooper, stopped a driver for going 15 miles over the speed limit.
After he handed her a ticket, the driver asked him, “Don’t you give out warnings?”
“Yes,” he replied. “They’re all up and down the road. They say, ‘Speed Limit 55.'”
A few more jokes from the great Henny Youngman…
• I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.
• My friend is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.
• My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
Man: “Are you single?”
Woman: “No, I’m plural.”
Man: “I mean are you free this Saturday?”
Woman: “No, I’m rather expensive.”
• Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for days.