A computer once beat me at chess
Since I’m that kind of guy, I’ll share my million-dollar idea: A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell, “I’m just cooking!”
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Customer: How do you prepare your chicken?
Waiter: We just tell them straight out they are going to die.
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Today I am wearing pink to raise awareness for people like me who forget to separate their reds and whites in the wash.
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Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of a group of grains that could have become whiskey but didn’t.
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I’m writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life. It’s an oughtobiography.
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I told my wife I saw a deer on the way to work. She asked me how I knew it was going to work.
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The merchant told me the sofa I was buying would seat five people without any problems. It then occurred to me that I don’t know five people without any problems.
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Companies have been bragging about making plants taste like meat. Cows have been doing that forever.
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How many parrots does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Toucan do it.
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A man by the name of Joshua had to go before my uncle, who was a judge in magistrate court, to be sentenced for a crime he had committed.
Uncle Walter jokingly said, “Are you the Joshua that made the sun stand still?”
The man replied, “No, sir. I’m the Joshua that made the moonshine.”
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My wife said she’d like to have another baby…
I agreed. The one we have is starting to annoy me.
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What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know and I don’t care.
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A guy came home to his wife and said, “Guess what? I’ve found a great job. A 10 a.m. start, 2 p.m. finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!”
“That’s great,” his wife said.
“Yeah, I thought so too,” he agreed. “You start Monday.”
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American psychologists have isolated two fundamental reasons why men frequent bars.
1) They don’t have a woman.
2) They have a woman.
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I am writing a horror screenplay. It starts off with a ringing phone. The person answers and it’s their mom saying, “I have a computer question.”
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I don’t intend to spend the rest of my life being a waiter. But it puts food on the table.
I save business cards of people you don’t like. If I ever hit a parked car accidentally, I can just write, “Sorry” on the back and leave it on the windshield.
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“You are late for golf again Dave.”
“Yes, well-being a Sunday, I had to toss a coin to see if I should go to church or go and play golf.”
“Okay, but why are you so late?”
“I had to toss it 15 times!”
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A salesman was going door to door trying to sell his wares. As he walked up to the next house, he noticed a small boy sitting on the front steps.
“Is your mother home?” the salesman asked the small boy.
“Yeah, she’s home,” the boy said, scooting over to let him past.
The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, “I thought you said your mother was home?!”
The kid replied, “She is, but this isn’t where I live.”
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A man who worked at a fire hydrant factory was always late for work.
When confronted by his boss the man explained, “You can’t park anywhere near this place!”
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A computer once beat me at chess. But it was no match for me at kickboxing!
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Homeowner: “Is this your ball?”
Kid Next Door: “Did it hit anything, mister?”
Homeowner: “No.”
Kid Next Door: “Then yes.”
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At a meeting, the company pooh-bah told a joke. Everybody on the team laughed with one exception.
“Didn’t you get the joke?’’ the pooh-bah asked.
“Yes,’’ he replied. “But I resigned yesterday.’’
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I went to the bank yesterday and asked the teller to check my balance. She shoved me, but I didn’t fall down.