A little Irish humor

A little Irish humor…
Finnigan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up ’til two o’clock in the morning. I can’t break her out of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin’ at that time?
Finnigan: Waitin’ for me to come home.
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, “Is that you I hear spitting’ in the vase on the mantel piece?”
“No,” said himself, “but I’m getting closer all the time.”
Paddy, the Irishman texts his wife, “Mary, I’m just having one more pint with the lads. If I’m not home in 20 minutes, read this message again.”
One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husband’s best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.
“Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory.”
Paddy shook his head. “Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”
Mrs McMillen starts crying. “Oh don’t tell me that, did he at least go quickly?”
Paddy shakes his head. “Not really – he got out three times to pee!”
An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall’s parking lot.
“Lord,” he prayed, “I can’t stand this. If you open space up for me, I swear I’ll give up drinking me whisky, and I promise to go to church every Sunday.”
Suddenly, the clouds parted, and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said, “Never mind, I found one.”
What’s the difference between God and Bono? God doesn’t wander around Dublin thinking he’s Bono.
Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says, “Are you on foot or in the car?”
Billy says, “In the car.”
Paddy says, “That’s the quickest way.”
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
“Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!”
“Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney. “Where are ye callin’ from?”
Paudie goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness.
The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness.
When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.
The barman says: “Wow! You sure drank those fast.”
Paudie explains: “You would drink fast too if you had what I have.”
The barman asks: “What do you have?”
The guy reaches into his pocket and says: “Fifty cents!”
Murphy walked his dog through the village every day. One day he is on his walk without the dog.
His pal Billy sees him and asks: “Where is your dog?”
Murphy answers: “I had to have him put down.”
“Was he mad?” asks Billy.
“He wasn’t too pleased,” Murphy replies.
Himself: “Since Mr. Wilson has lost his money, half his friends don’t know him anymore.”
Herself: “And the other half?”
Himself: “They don’t know yet that he’s lost his money.”
Shamus never he would become a lawyer. He struggles to pass a bar.
Paddy and Mick are walking down the road, and Paddy’s got a bag of doughnuts in his hand. Paddy says to Mick, “If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both.”
A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D. C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River.
“That’s impossible,” said the tourist. “No one could throw a coin that far!”
“You have to remember,” answered the guide. “A dollar went a lot farther in those days.”