A pink elephant and a green snake walked into a bar

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man: ‘Hello’
Woman: ‘Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?’
Man: ‘Yes’
Woman: ‘I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?’
Man: ‘Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.’
Woman: ‘I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2010 Models. I saw one I really liked.’
Man: ‘How much?’
Woman: ‘$90,000’
Man: ‘OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.’
Woman: ‘OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!’
Man: ‘Bye! I love you, too.’
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: ‘Anyone know who this phone belongs to?’
••••••••••
A pink elephant and a green snake walked into a bar.
The bartender said, “You’re early, guys! He isn’t here yet!”
Soon after that, a toothless termite walked into the same bar and asked, “Is the bar tender here?”
••••••••••
A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, “Sorry, I won’t dance with a child.”
“Oh I’m sorry,” responded the underclassman, “I didn’t realize you were pregnant.”
••••••••••
Patient: “Doctor, every time I drink coffee I get this sharp pain in the left eye.’’
Doctor: “Next time, take out the spoon.’’
••••••••••
A man is awakened by a loud pounding on the door. He goes to the door and finds a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the man.
When he returns to bed, his wife says, “Can’t you remember about three months ago when our car broke down in the middle of the road at 3 a.m. and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him. God loves drunk people too, you know.”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, “Do you still need a push?”
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing set,” replied the drunk.
••••••••••
Your veterinarian won’t tell you this but if your dog is running a fever, go to the store and buy some mustard. It’s the best thing for a hot dog.
••••••••••
Husband: “I don’t like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath.”
Wife: “Don’t worry. If the neighbors do see you, they’ll buy curtains.”
••••••••••
Dear Son,
I’m writing this slow because I know you can’t read fast.
We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.
I won’t be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure about it though. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven’t seen them since. The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week. The first time for three days and the second time for four days.
Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knit, she put a third one in because she heard you have grown another foot since she last saw you. About that coat you wanted me to send, your uncle Billy said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.
There isn’t much more news at the time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your favorite aunt, Mom