After drinking, men talk unnecessarily

“Yes, Theo, what is it?” asked the teacher.
“I don’t wan to alarm you, Miss Davis, but my dad said if I don’t get better grades, someone was going to be in big trouble.”
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One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid – the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!”
“Don’t worry,” said the auctioneer. “He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?’’
••••••••••
To the irritation of the judge, a man was trying to be excused from jury duty. “Tell me,” began the judge, “is there any good reason why you cannot serve as a juror in the trial?”
The man replied, “I don’t want to be away from my job that long.”
“Can’t they do without you at work?” demanded the judge.
“Yes,” admitted the juror. “But I don’t want them to realize it.”
••••••••••
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald that they don’t recognize you.

was driving home from work when I was pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Three days later, I got the same ticket, at the same stop, from the same cop.

“So, have you learned anything?” asked the cop.

“Yes, I have,” I began. “I’ve learned it’s time to find a new way home from work.”

••••••••••
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
“Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently. “But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”
During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”
At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star Spangled Banner.”
••••••••••
Q. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. That’s a hardware issue.
••••••••••
A woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, “What did you steal?’’
She replied: “A can of peaches.’’
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied five. The judge then said, “I will give you 5 days in jail.”
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, “What is it?”
The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”
••••••••••
After drinking, men talk unnecessarily, become emotional, drive badly, stop thinking, and fight for nothing
Women can do all these without drinking!
••••••••••
– If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
– If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
– Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have “S” in it?
– Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
••••••••••
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn’t help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn’t do any good, either.
On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stands in the draft.
“But doc,” protested the patient, “if I do that, I’ll get pneumonia.”
“I know,” said his physician, “I can cure pneumonia.”

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