Why is Alabama the smartest state?
Because it has 4 A’s and one B!
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?”
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: “Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.”
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, you wouldn’t believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all of the back garden.”
The prisoner wrote another letter back: “Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce.”
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. “Where do you live?” asked the operator.
Bubba replied, “At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.”
The operator asked, “Can you spell that for me?”
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, “How ’bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?”
Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do!
What do you get when cross an elephant and a skunk?
A smell that you will never forget.
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant? Spare ribs.
Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day? It’s good for the bones.
Why don’t skeletons like parties? They have no body to dance with.
Toe: A part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark.
“How the diet going?”
“Not good, I had eggs for breakfast.”
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
“I got a cookbook once,” said one, “but I could never do anything with it.”
“Too much fancy work in it, eh?” asked the other.
“You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way – Take a clean dish.”
My wife and I were comparing notes the other day. “I have a higher IQ, did better on my SAT’s, and make more money than you,” she pointed out.
“Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I’m still ahead,” I said.
She looked mystified. “How do you figure?”
“I married better,” I replied.
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a newborn baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.
“Was it my friend Sam?” he demanded.
“No!” his weeping wife replied.
“Was it my friend Jim then?” he asked.
“NO!!!” she said even more upset.
“Well which one of my no-good friends did this then?” he asked.
“Oh, don’t you think I have any friends of my own?” she snapped.
I went back to my home town a decided to visit the house I grew up in.
I ask the occupants if I could come inside. They said, “No!”
My parents can be so grouchy some times.
The worst things to say to a cop who pulls you over…
– Your so-called “speed limits” mean nothing to me flatfoot. I live my life one quarter- mile at a time.
– You again? I thought I lost you at that last red light.
– Aren’t you going to strip search me, big boy?
– I am not the droid you’re looking for. You don’t need to see my papers.
– Darn! My radar detector must be broken again.
– You better hurry up with that ticket. Dunkin’ Donuts closes in 15 minutes.
– You’re not going to search my trunk are you?
– How about you watch my friend Ben Franklin while I get my registration?
– Hey Barney! How are things in Mayberry?
My sister was busy getting ready to host our entire family for Easter. On her to-do list was a hair appointment for her daughter.
“So, Katie,” said the stylist as the little girl got up in the chair, “who’s coming to your house this weekend with big ears and floppy feet?”
Katie replied, “I think it’s my Uncle Brian.”
“The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.’’
– Ronald Reagan
“The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.’’
– Winston Churchill
“The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.’’
– Mark Twain
“The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools
– Herbert Spencer, Philosopher