As long as there are exams

Why do we only rest in peace?
Why don’t we exist in peace, too?
••••••••••
• My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God. I didn’t.
• They had a bingo evening at the local church hall. The priest called out all the numbers in Latin so the Atheists wouldn’t win.
• What’s the atheist’s favoorite Christmas story ? Coincidence on 34th street.
• A Buddhist goes to a burger joint and says, ‘“Make me one with everything.”
• Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
• As long as there are exams, there will be prayers in school.
••••••••••
• My ex-wife was struck by lightning. She’s now my current wife.
• My girlfriend got me a get better soon card. I’m not sick. She just thinks I can get better.
• The doctor told me I had six months to live.
Is there anything I can do, I asked.
“Move to Michigan and get married,” he replied. “It’ll be the longest six months of your life.”
• My friend couldn’t afford to pay his water bill. So I sent him a get well soon card.
• My friend keeps saying, “It could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
••••••••••
The interviewer asked, “What’s your greatest weakness?”
I replied, “I’m too honest.”
The interviewer said, “I don’t think honesty is a weakness.”
I said, “I don’t give a duck’s tail what you think.”
••••••••••
A guy goes to church to confess. “Forgive me father, I have sinned,’’ says the man. “I stole a car. And, as redemption, I’m willing to give this car to you.”
The father says, “That’s okay, kid. God will forgive you. But I wouldn’t want that car. You should give it back to the owner instead.’’
“But the owner said he doesn’t want it,” says the man.
“In that case,” says the father, “You may keep that car.’’
The man leaves only to receive a phone call from the father later.
“Did you steal my car,’’ he asks.
••••••••••
Teacher: “If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?”
Student: “One dollar.”
Teacher: “You don’t know your arithmetic.”
Student: “You don’t know my father!”
••••••••••
“What does your mother do for a headache?”
“She sends me out to play.”
••••••••••
While on vacation in Spain, I had a medical incident and a doctor at my hotel came to my assistance with a defibrillator.
The ambulance arrived 20 minutes later, but thanks to this amazing woman my life had been saved.
“I’m amazed that a hotel this small has a full time doctor as skilled as yourself,” I told the woman afterwards.
She replied, “No one expects the Spanish Inn physician.”
••••••••••
Car Dealer: “This car had just one careful owner.”
Buyer: “But it’s a wreck!”
Car dealer: “Well yes, you see, the other seven owners weren’t quite as careful.”
••••••••••
A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn’t comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself.
The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband’s feet.
“Are you hurt?” he asked.
“Of course I’m hurt!” she replied. “Three times around and you didn’t wave once.”
••••••••••
A church had a man in the choir who couldn’t sing.
The choir director became desperate and went to the pastor. “You’ve got to get that man out of the choir,” he said. “If you don’t, I’m going to resign. The choir members are going to quit too. Please do something.”
So the pastor went to the man and suggested, “Perhaps you should leave the choir.”
“Why should I get out of the choir?” he asked.
“Well, five or six people have told me you can’t sing.”
“That’s nothing,” the man said. “Fifty people have told me that you can’t preach!”
••••••••••
A man comes to the doctor and asks: “Excuse me, is this the eye doctor?”
The secretary says: “We have a big sign advertising that this is the eye doctor’s on the door. Haven’t you seen it?”
“No, I haven’t.”
“Well then you’re in just the right place.”