The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of beer. Which means the average human gets 41 miles per gallon. Not too bad!
Three men appear in court, on charges of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park. The judge asks the first defendant, “What were you doing?”
“Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond.”
The judge asks the second gentleman, “And what were you doing?”
“I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too.”
“Sounds harmless,” says the judge. He turns to the third person, “And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well?”
“No, sir. I’m Peanuts!”
A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to himself.
“Sorry, he doesn’t live here anymore, we’re divorced!” comes the response.
He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who it is that keeps calling.
“Look, Bozo! We’re divorced! Finito! End of story! When are you going to get that through your fat head?” yells back the angered ex-wife.
“Oh, I know! I just can’t hear it enough!” says the guy before hanging up.
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line.
“Hey, cabby! How much to take me to the station?”
“Five bucks, sir.”
“And how much for my suitcase?”
“No charge for the suitcase, sir.”
“Okay. Take the case and I’ll walk.”
In one small rural town the sheriff also fulfilled the role of the town’s veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered.
An agitated voice inquired, “Is your husband there?”
“He is, but tell me, do you need him as the sheriff or the vet?” the wife asked.
“Both!” was the reply. “We can’t get our dog’s mouth open, and there’s a burglar’s leg in it!”
A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.
“To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and $2 million,” the attorney reads.
“To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million.”
“And finally,” the lawyer concludes, “to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Dan!”
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, “Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.”
Bobby looked up and replied, “Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.
“A priest! Somebody get me a priest!” the man gasps.
A policeman checks the crowd but finds no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
Then out of the crowd steps a little old man.
“Officer,” says the man, “I’m not a priest. I’m not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I’ve been living behind St. Mary’s Catholic Church on Third Avenue, and every night I’m listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man.”
The policeman agrees and brings the old guy over to the dying man.
He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice: “B – 4. I – 19. N – 38. G – 54. O – 72.”
The economy is terrible. At the beginning of the year, the politicians promised things would improve by the last quarter.
Well, I’m down to my last quarter and they haven’t improved!
My mother-in-law sent me two sweaters for Christmas.
When she came for a visit, I put on one of the sweaters.
The first thing she said was, “What’s the matter? Didn’t you like the other one?”
Wife : I wish I was a newspaper. So I’d be in your hands all day.
Husband : I too wish that you were a newspaper. So I could have a new one every day !
• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!