A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She’s down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims to the whole table, “What rotten luck I’ve had today! What in the world should I do now?”
A man standing next to her suggests, “I don’t know, why don’t you play your age?”
He walks away, but moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?”
The operator replies, “I don’t know. She put all her money on 36, and when 47 came up she just fainted!”
A truckload of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon.
I’ll let you know.
What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon?
My neighbor called and invited me over to see his new aardvark.
When I arrived he ask if I would like to play with him?
The aardvark was growling loudly and did not seem very friendly so I ask, “Does it bite?”
My neighbor replied, “That’s what I want to find out.”
A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to the impresario.
“I have the most unusual act,” he announces. “I’m sure it will amaze you.”
He climbs up to the high wire and jumps off! He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows and the man begins to fly. He soars upward, turns, and swoops back again. Finally, he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground.
The impresario says, “Is that all you’ve got? Bird impressions?”
“You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background,” sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
“If I wasn’t under oath, I’d return the compliment,” replied the witness.
An old farmer wins the ten million dollar lottery and is being interviewed. The reporter asked what he is going to do with all the money.
“Oh, I reckon the first thing I’ll do is go and pay a few bills.”
“And what about the rest?” the reporter continued.
The farmer shrugs. “Well, I guess they’ll just have to wait.”
I’ve started growing herbs in my garden.
To help identify them I’m growing them in alphabetical order.
My neighbour asked me, “How do you find the time?”
I said, “Easy, it’s right here next to the sage.”
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, “Can you describe the symptoms?”
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair.”
A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change in the pulpit. At home he was shy, quiet and retiring but in the church he was a real fire and brimstone orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he was two different people.
One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.
“Ah,” he said, “that’s my altar ego.”
What do you call a computer program that writes a blues song about climate change?