Bad decisions make good stories

A bent-over old lady hobbled into a doctor’s office. Within minutes, she came out again but miraculously, she was standing up as straight as could be.
A man in the waiting room, who had been watching her, said in amazement, “My goodness, what did the doctor do to you?”
The old lady replied, “He gave me a longer cane.”
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Wife: “Let’s go antique shopping today. I’m feeling Victorian.”
Husband: “Let’s not. I’m feeling baroque!”
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Psychiatrist: “I’m not aware of your problem. So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.”
Patient: “Of course. In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth.”
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In Ancient Rome there were four types of poison.
Poison I, II and III would all kill you.
Poison IV would make you really itchy.
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Barber: (To a long-haired teenager) You’re next.
Teenager: I’m not waiting for a haircut.
Barber: What are you waiting for?
Teenager: Nothing. My Dad’s looking for me and this is the last place in the world he would look.
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An unemployed Mr. Smith met Mr. Jones at the local coffee shop.
Mr. Jones: “I heard you were offered a job and turned it down?”
Mr. Smith: “Yes, it was to be the President/CEO of a new communications company. I turned it down as there was no room for advancement.”
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• I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
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Working at the unemployment office has to be a tense job. If you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.
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I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.”
So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
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“I’ve seen plenty of batting slumps,” the manager said. “But I’ve never had a whole lineup in a slump before.”
The team had lost 10 of its last 20 games, scoring only eight runs during that whole stretch. The best they’d done was four hits in a game.
“We have to try something different,” the manager said to his batting coach.
“What do you have in mind?” the batting coach asked warily.
“I’m going into the batting cage myself,” the manager said.
The coach tried to talk him out of it. But the manager was desperate, willing to try anything.
With the whole team watching, the coach swung at the first pitch and missed. He missed the second pitch. Ditto the third, fourth, and fifth. On the sixth pitch, he just nicked the ball, which dribbled back to the pitcher’s mound.
The manager slammed his bat to the ground, turned around, and stared at his players. “That’s how you guys look at the plate!” he yelled. “Now get up there and hit the ball!”
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• Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
• I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
• Bad decisions make good stories.
• You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
• I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
• I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
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Farmer joe is suing a trucking company over injuries he suffered in an auto accident. The company’s lawyer says “Is it true that at the accident scene you said ‘I’m fine’?”
“Let me explain”, says the farmer. “I had loaded my mule Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road when this truck crashed into us. I was hurt bad. When the trooper came on the scene he heard Bessie moaning. He took one look at her, pulled out his gun, and shot her right between the eyes. Then he walked over to me with his gun still out and said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her – How are you?'”
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For all you lexiophiles (lovers of words)…
• A bicycle can’t stand alone because it is two-tired.
• What’s the definition of a will? It’s a dead giveaway.
• A backward poet writes inverse.