Birthdays are good for you

Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace” So I bought her nothing.
When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there’s no real difference between me and George Clooney.
My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.Dad: You should become a cop.
Daughter: But I don’t want to be a cop.
Dad: You chase the sam men that they do. You might as well get paid for it.
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Cop: Sir, it looks like you’ve been drinking. Can you say the alphabet beginning with the letter M.
Driver: Malphabet.
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I was thinking of all the things I have to do today and my mind suddenly went blank.
Problem solved.
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Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our children. What about leaving better children for our planet?
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• What is blue and smells just like red paint? Blue paint.
• I used to eat a lot of natural foods, until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
• Things are a lot more like they used to be than they are now.
• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
• Birthdays are good for you – the more you have the longer you live.
• Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
• If everything’s coming your way, you may be in the wrong lane, going the wrong way!
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian,
• The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
• Always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.
• Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
• They say that alcohol kills slowly. So who’s in a hurry?
• By the time things get in my price range they’re labeled antiques and the price goes up again.
• If we laid all the Twitter account owners end to end around the world, three quarters of them would drown.
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Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them.
The bear begins to head toward them.
The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.
The second guy says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.”
“I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”
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Doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news. You have terminal cancer and Alzheimer’s.”
Patent: “That’s not so bad, I could have had cancer!”
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• There’s a new restaurant in town called Karma. There’s no menu; you get what you deserve.
• Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?” Because every play has a cast.
• Why shouldn’t we trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
• Where are average things made? The satisfactory.
• Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
• What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.
• Why aren’t Koalas actual bears? They don’t meet the koalafications.
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A Priest, Minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit said, “I must be a type-o.”
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Two guys from Michigan were walking along when then came upon a set of tracks. “Deer tracks” one declared.
The other said “Nope, bear tracks.”
They were still arguing when the train hit them.