Bring Pizza

Why is it that California has more lawyers than any other state in the nation, while New Jersey is the state with the most toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey had first choice.
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A young relative once asked me this question: How was copper wire invented?
When I gave up, she told me, “Two lawyers found a penny.”
• If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving isn’t for you.
• Nothing really matters. And so what if it did?
• He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
• Ham and eggs: A days work for a chicken, but a lifetime commitment for a pig.
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A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quite, little romantic restaurant.
A tiny fairy appears on the table and says for being such an exemplary married couple and for loving each other during all this time I grant each of you a wish.
The wife answered: “I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.”
The fairy waved her magic wand and poof two tickets for a round-the-world trip on the Queen Mary 2 appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment and said: “My wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof the husband became 92 years old.
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• Some people have a way with words, others not has way.
• Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
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Singers of the 60’s are revising
their hits with new lyrics to accommodate those of us that were fans. New releases include:
• Herman’s Hermits – Mrs Brown, You’ve Got A Lovely Walker.
• Ringo Starr – I Get By With A
Little Help From Depends.
• The Bee Gees – How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?
• Roberta Flack – The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
• Johnny Nash – I Can’t See Clearly Now.
• The Commodores – Once, Twice, 3 Times To The
Bathroom.
• Leo Sayer – You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
• The Temptations – Papa’s Got A Kidney Stone.
• Willie Nelson – On the Commode Again.
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“What are you going to do this weekend?”
I’m going to buy glasses.”
“And then what?”
“Then I’ll see.”
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• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
• I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro – what a rip off!
• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
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How was Rome split in two?
With a pair of Ceasars.
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Bono & The Edge walk into a bar.
The barman says, “Oh no, not U2 again!”
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“Evidently, my pain pills are not working.””Why do you say that?”
“Well, you’re still here.”
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The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.” I whispered back, “Bring pizza.”
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What natural remedies still work during quarantine?
Essential oils!
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Me: I can’t see you anymore. I am not going to let you hurt me like this again!
Trainer: It was a sit up. You did one sit up.