Can I borrow your dog?

Smitty & Mac from Michigan were vacationing in Wisconsin when they saw a sign in a downtown New Glarus shop window saying ” Men’s suits $10.”
Smitty turns to Mac and says, “To be sure we could make a killing here. Suits back home in Michigan sell for $150 or more. I bet it’s only for the locals.
Mac says, “We could pretend to be from Wisconsin.
They pool their money and Mac goes into the shop and in an English toffs accent says, “I’ll have 15 of those $10 suits please.”
The owners says, “You’re from Michigan aren’t you.”
Mac drops the accent and says, “How did you know?”
The owner replies, “This is a dry cleaners.”
••••••••••
A woman looks into the street and sees a hearse driving slowly, followed by a woman who is walking a dog, followed by a line of women walking in single file.
She says to the woman with the dog, “What is going on here?”
The woman replies, “My dog caught my husband having an affair with a woman and killed both of them. My husband is in the hearse.”
The first woman says, “Can I borrow your dog?”
The woman with the dog replies, “Get in line.”
••••••••••
An American tourist visiting Oxford asks students sitting in the park, “Excuse me, where’s the library at?”
“Sir, this is Oxford. We do not end our sentences with prepositions.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Where’s the library at, you pompous, arrogant smuck?”
••••••••••
A travelling salesman walks up to a suburban door. He knocks and a pre-teen boy answers the door dressed in a full tuxedo, a bow tie and a monocle. The child is holding a glass of brandy.
The salesman says: “Are your parents at home?”
The boy looks at him scornfully and says, “Does it look like my parents are at home?”
••••••••••
• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
• Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
• The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
••••••••••
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
••••••••••
• Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening, and proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
• If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
• A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
• A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
• We buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
••••••••••
Ever wonder….
• Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
• Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
• Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
• Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?
••••••••••
I am writing a horror screenplay. It starts off with a ringing phone. The person answers and it’s their mom saying, “I have a computer question.“
••••••••••
A salesman was going door to door trying to sell his wares. As he walked up to the next house, he noticed a small boy sitting on the front steps.
“Is your mother home?” the salesman asked the small boy.
“Yeah, she’s home,” the boy said, scooting over to let him past.
The salesman rang the doorbell, then knocked once, then again. Still no one came.
Turning to the boy, the fellow said, “I thought you said your mother was home?”
The kid replied, “She is