Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby

I walked into Papa Rocco’s for a drink and asked the bartender if he wanted to hear a joke about folks from Michigan.
The bartender said that he was from Michigan. Some of his co-workers were from Michigan. Five other patrons are from Michigan and Papa Rocco himself is from Michigan.
“Do you really want to tell a Michigan joke,” he asked.
“No it’s fine,’’ I replied. “I don’t want to explain it eight times.”
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I can’t believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician.
I was just sitting there doing nothing.
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Wife: “Whenever I keep money in my purse, our son steals it! I don’t know what to do?”
Husband: “Hide it in his books. I know he will never touch them.”
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I know a guy who works as a custodian and gardener at a nearby apartment building, and sometimes I earn a couple extra bucks by lending him a hand when he’s got a particularly big workload.
He asked me if I wanted to share a marijuana joint with him while we were on a break one time.
I declined. I didn’t want to deal with a high maintenance guy.
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I fear my neighbor may be stalking me, she was googling my name last night on her computer.
I saw it clearly through my binoculars!
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Bob: Hey Al, you know you owe me $500.
Al: Yes.
Bob: I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll forget half of the money.
Al: That’s perfect, I’ll forget the other half.
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Teacher: “If there are three crows on a fence and one is shot, how many would be left?”
Student: “Two left.”
Teacher: “I’m afraid you don’t get the point. Let me repeat the joke. There were three crows on a fence and one is shot, how many would be left?
Student: “Two left.”
Teacher: “No, none would be left, because when one is shot, the other two would fly away.”
Student: “That’s what I said, two left.”
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Guy: “Doc, I think I broke my arm in three places.”
Doctor: “Well, don’t go to those places!”
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was in a taxi today and the driver said, “I love my job. I’m my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do.”
Then I said: “Turn left here.”
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Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the recreation room of the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand, can take me out to dinner tonight!”
A gentleman in the rear shouts out, “An elephant?”
Bessie thinks a minute and replies, “Close enough!”
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My wife saw me standing on the bathroom scale while sucking in my stomach.
“Ha. That’s not going to help,’’ she said.
“Sure it will,’’ I answered. “Its’ the only way I can see the numbers on the scale.’’
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• Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
• Acupuncture is a jab well done.
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Tom: “What are you going to do this weekend?”
Dick: “I’m going to buy glasses.”
Tom: “And then what?”
Dick: “Then I’ll see.”
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How was Rome split in two?
With a pair of Ceasars.
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Bono & The Edge walk into a bar.
The barman says, “Oh no, not U2 again!”
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Tom: “Evidently, my pain pills are not working.
Dick: “Why do you say that?”
Tom: “Well, you’re still here.”
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The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.” I whispered back, “Bring pizza.”
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Me: “I can’t see you anymore. I am not going to let you hurt me like this again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit up. You did one sit up.”
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“Armstrong,” the boss said, “I happen to know that the reason you didn’t come to work was that you were playing golf.”
“That’s a rotten lie!” Armstrong protested. “And I have the fish to prove it!”
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What’s the difference between a frog and a cat?
A frog croaks all the time, while a cat croaks only nine times.
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Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
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Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.