In Christmas COVID news, the seven dwarfs have been advised that they can only meet in groups of 6. One of them isn’t Happy!
It takes my wife a day and a night to tell a story.”
“He’d make a good bookkeeper, I should think,” said a friend.
“Why do you say that?”
“He’s never short on his accounts.”
I dropped my watch into the Hudson a year ago, and it’s been running ever since.
“What!” a friend asked. “The same watch?”
“No,” he replied, “the Hudson.”
Mom: What did you do at school today?
Mark: We played a guessing game.
Mom: But I thought you were having a math exam?
Mark: That’s right.
My wife said to me, “How on earth are we going to use 9% less gas this winter?”
“You can stop burning my dinner for a start,” I replied.
I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.
Priest: Do you have any confessions?
Man: I did something Father, but I am not sure if it was a sin.
Priest: Did you enjoy it?
Man: Yes father
Priest: It was a sin.
Barbara was taking her first skydiving lesson. The instructor told her to jump out of the plane and pull her rip cord, explaining that he himself would jump out right behind her so that they would go down together.
She jumped, and, after being in the air for a few seconds, pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed her out of the plane and pulled his rip cord. But the parachute didn’t open. As he shot downward and darted past Barbara, she quickly undid the straps to her own parachute, and yelled after him, “So you wanna race, huh?!”
Due to increasing product liability litigation, American liquor distillers have accepted the FDA’s suggestion that the appropriate following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcoholic beverage containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a giraffe in heat.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The crumsumpten of alcohol may Maak you tink you can tipe real gude
Five junior Navy officers were given an assignment by their commander to provide him with the height of the main base flagpole.
Knowing the dangers associated with ladders and junior officers, the commander forbid them to climb on anything to make the measurement.
The officers ran around with notebooks, calculators, trigonometry books, and computers using complicated formulas to try and ascertain the flagpole’s height using the length of its shadow and the position of the sun.
Just when they were ready to give up, a junior Marine Corps officer came walking by and grudgingly agreed to assist.
The young Marine officer grabbed a measuring tape, calmly pulled the flagpole out of its mount, laid it down and measured it.
He then stood the pole back up in its mount, shouted to the Navy officers “20 feet” and walked off.
“Isn’t that just like a Marine,” one disgusted Navy officer said.
“You ask him for the height, and he gives you the length.”