Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?

Michael and his wife live in Minnesota. One winter morning while listening to WCCO, they hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”
Michael’s wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through.” Michael’s wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park……”, then the electric power goes out. Michael’s wife is very upset and, with a worried look on her face, she says, “Honey, which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?”
Michael says, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time.
••••••••••
Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
Someone told him to get a long little doggy.
••••••••••
As she sat by him, he whispered, his eyes full of tears, “You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side…You know what Martha?”
“What dear?” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I’m beginning to think you’re bad luck.”
••••••••••
Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of the church listening to a fiery preacher. When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out, “Amen, Brother!”
When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, “You preach it, Reverend!”
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and hollered, “Tell it like it is.’’
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, “He’s quit preaching and now he’s just meddling.”
••••••••••
A man went to his lawyer and asked him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?”
“Do you have any proof he owes you the money?” asked the lawyer.
“Nope,” replied the man.
“Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owes you,” said the lawyer.
“But it’s only $500,” replied the man.
“Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!”
••••••••••
“But doctor,” lamented the young husband in counseling, “whenever Sue and I quarrel, she becomes historical.”
“You mean, hysterical,” said the doctor.
“No, historical. She starts digging up my past.”
••••••••••
A couple was having a discussion about family finances.
Finally the husband exploded, “If it weren’t for my money, the house wouldn’t be here!”
The wife replied, “Honey, if it weren’t for your money, you wouldn’t be here!”
••••••••••
A husband and wife had a big argument. Frustrated and fed up, the wife called up her mom and said, “We fought again, I can’t do this anymore. I am coming to live with you.”
Mom said, “No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.”
••••••••••
If you refuse to go to sleep … Does that mean you’re resisting a rest?
••••••••••
The topic of the day at Army Airborne School was what you should do if your parachute malfunctions. We had just gotten to the part about reserve parachutes when another student raised his hand.
“If the main parachute malfunctions,” he asked, “how long do we have to deploy the reserve?”
Looking the trooper square in the face, the instructor replied, “The rest of your life.”
••••••••••
At the bar, Tom and Bill were talking. “My uncle tried to make a new kind of car. He took the wheels from a Cadillac, the radiator from a Lexus, and tires from a Ford,” said Tom.
“What did he get?” asked Bill.
“Two years,” said Tom.
••••••••••
Two men were in a forest, when a lion came roaring towards them. One of them throws sand into the lion’s eyes and then runs. The second man stays, unmoved.
The first man looks back and shouts, “Why are you not running?”
The second man replies, “Why should I be running? You’re the one who threw the sand.”
••••••••••
“But doctor,” lamented the young husband in counseling, “whenever Sue and I quarrel, she becomes historical.”
“You mean, hysterical,” said the doctor.
“No, historical. She starts digging up my past.”
••••••••••
• My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
• I’ve still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
• I’m getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
• It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemake

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