I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn’t like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
Two friends were chatting. “I’ve just bought a pig!” said the first.
“But where will you keep it?” asked the second. “Your yard’s much too small for a pig!”
“I’m going to keep it under my bed,” replied the first.
“But what about the smell?”
“He’ll soon get used to that.”
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
The other replied, “It makes sense. After all I married the wrong man.”
Two guys go into a pub. There is a swing band playing the old song “Yes, we have no bananas”.
Guy 1: I love this song!
Guy 2: Yes. I think it’s written by Mozart.
Guy 1: Of course it’s not. They didn’t make swing music in Mozart’s time.
Guy 2: Yes they did!
Guy 1: You’re stupid! They didn’t even have bananas back then.
Guy 2: I know, that’s the name of the song!
Two ladies are walking to their local County Fair, when it starts to rain. One says to the other, “Put your umbrella up, it’s raining.”
“I can’t,” says the other, “it’s got holes in it.”
“Holes in it?” the first lady asks. “Why did you bring it with you?”
The response, “I didn’t think it would rain.”
A music store was robbed last week.
Thieves made away with the lute.
A secretary walked into her boss’s office and said, “I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you.”
“Why do you always have to give me bad news?” he complained. “Tell me some good news for once.”
“Alright,” said the secretary. “You’re not sterile.”
What do you call a hen who counts her own eggs?
Me: I’m very sorry, but my dog ate my homework.
Computer Science Professor: Your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me: Well, it took him a couple bytes.
On a recent flight from New York to Seattle an elderly lady stands up and shouts, “Is there a doctor here?”
A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her, “I am. What is the problem?”
She replies, “Do you want to meet my daughter?”
Seeing his shares plummet on a black morning during the recession, the boss called to his secretary, “Get my broker, Miss Wilks!”
”Certainly, sir. Stock or pawn?”
I started a new job as a security guard last night.
Before my boss left he told me I had to make sure I watched the office all night.
I am now up to season 2 already but I don’t know what it has to do with security.
My friend couldn’t afford to pay his high water bill. So I sent him a “Get ‘Well’ Soon” card.
• Why do they report power outages on TV?
• What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
Camper: “Look at that bunch of cows.”
Farmer: “Not bunch, herd.”
Camper: “Heard what?”
Farmer: “Of cows.”
Camper: “Sure I’ve heard of cows.”
Farmer: “No, I mean a cow herd.”
Camper: “So what if they heard? I have no secrets from cows!”
Did you hear about the big power outage last week that hit New York City’s Theater District ?
It was a real show stopper!
Cop: You know how fast you were going?
Guy: Sorry officer, I was just trying to catch up with traffic.
Cop: What traffic? The road is empty.
Guy: Yea, that’s how far behind I am.
Ed Lemm shares some jokes from the Catskill comics of Vaudeville days…
• I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
•I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!