A manager announces to his staff, “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”
A voice in the background says, “I’m offering 200!”
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, “Have you read Marx?”
The other replies, “Yes, it’s these darn wicker chairs!”
What do you call a priest that’s also a lawyer?
A father in law.
As I pulled into the gas station, I noticed a woman trying to push her car toward the pump. Having always considered myself a Good Samaritan, I parked and joined her in pushing her car.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I’m giving you a hand,” I said. “What are you doing?”
“I’m stretching before my run.”
Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
What I Want in a Man, Original List: 1. Handsome; 2. Charming; 3. Financially successful.
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32): 1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head); 2. Opens car doors, holds chairs; 3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42): 1. Not too ugly (bald head OK); 2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car; 3. Works steady – splurges on dinner out occasionally.
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52): 1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed; 2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public; 3. Doesn’t borrow money too often.
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62): 1. Doesn’t scare small children; 2. Remembers where bathroom is; 3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep.
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72): 1. Breathing; 2. Doesn’t miss the toilet.
A woman calls her mother.
“My husband and I have been fighting so much lately. I am going to come live with you again.”
Her mother replies, “No dear, he should pay for his mistakes. I am coming to live with you.”
Different views on doing laundry…
Son away at college: If it’s clean it goes on the floor. If it’s dirty it goes on the floor over there.
Husband while wife is away: If I just take things out of the hamper as I need them, I do not have anything to fold.
Wife: With the amount of laundry I do, there must be more people living in this house!
First grade teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is ‘gross’ and the other is ‘cool.'”
Rachel: “Yeah? So, what are the words?”
Tech: “Hello, this is tech support. What can I help you with today?”
User: (describes problem)
Tech: (rattles off computer jargon)
User: “Sorry, I don’t understand. Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?”
Tech: “Okay… ‘Hi, could you please put your mommy on the phone?'”
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, “Do you have any books on Pavlov’s dogs and Schrödinger’s cat?”
The librarian responds, “It rings a bell but I’m not sure if it’s here or not.”
Little Johnny went with his mother for the first time to deliver lunches to the elderly.
Little Johnny kept starring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
“The tooth fairy will n