Do not underestimate your abilities

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers.
However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, and we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
••••••••••
A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to do something about my husband. He thinks he’s a refrigerator!”
“I wouldn’t worry too much about it,” the doctor replies. “Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.”
“But you don’t understand,” the woman insists. “He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.”
••••••••••
Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your Boss’s job!
••••••••••
A student burst into his professor’s office and says, “Professor Stigler, I don’t believe I deserve this ‘F’ grade that you’ve given me!”
To which Professor Stigler replied, “I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award.”
••••••••••
Wayne was returning home from a business trip, bags in hand, and slowly making his way to his vehicle in the crowded airport garage. Suddenly a large dark car screeched to a stop in front of Wayne, and the driver pointed menacingly at him. “Get in,” the driver ordered. “I’ll take you to your car.”
Startled, Wayne took a step backward. “Ah…no thanks,” he answered. “I can get there myself.”
“No!” the man barked back as he threw open his passenger side door. “Get in!”
Wayne’s eyes now darted around the garage, hoping to find a security guard.
Just then, the driver’s face softened. “Please,” he said, “I’ve been driving up and down for two hours. I can’t find a space to park, and I want yours.”
••••••••••
Therapist: “So why do you want to end your marriage?”
Wife: “I hate the constant star wars puns.”
Husband: “Divorce is strong with this one!”
••••••••••
Two men are out fishing and they are having great luck. They are catching so many, they decide to go back early.
“This is so great,” says the first guy. “We should mark the spot so we can come here again.”
“You’re right,” replies the other guy who then dives over the side and paints a big X on the bottom of the boat.
They head back to shore and just as they’re about to dock, the first guy looks at the second and asks, “But what if we don’t get the same boat next time?”
••••••••••
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population?
Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin!
••••••••••
A man is bragging about his new hearing aid. “It’s the best I’ve ever had,” he says. “It cost $3,000.”
His friend asks, “What kind is it?”
He says, “Half past four!”
••••••••••
I almost had a psychic girlfriend. But she left me before we met.
••••••••••
One day a man is walking down the street when he sees an old man with a nice looking dog. He goes over to the man and asks, “Does your dog bite?”
The old man replies, “No, never.”
When the man bends down to pet the dog, it immediately takes a snap at his hand. The man says, ‘I thought you said your dog did not bite!”
“I did,” replies the old man, “but this isn’t my dog!”
••••••••••
An important and very well publicized murder trial was soon to begin. In preparation for the trial, the tiresome jury selection process took place, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors.
One prospective juror, Dan O’Keefe, was called for his question session.
He was asked, “Property holder?”
Dan replied, “Yes, I am.”
Then he was asked, “Married or single?”
Dan responded, “Married for twenty years.”
Then he was asked, “Formed or expressed an opinion?”
Dan stated with certainty, “Not in twenty years.”
••••••••••
Tech: “Hello, this is tech support. What can I help you with today?”
User: (describes problem)
Tech: (rattles off computer jargon)
User: “Sorry, I don’t understand.
Tech: “Hello, this is tech support. What can I help you with today?”
User: (describes problem)
Tech: (rattles off computer jargon)
User: “Sorry, I don’t understand. Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?”
Tech: “Okay… ‘Hi, could you please put your mommy on the phone?'”
Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?”
Tech: “Okay… ‘Hi, could you please put your mommy on the phone?'”
••••••••••
Did you hear about the ancient Egyptian man that launched a successful quarry business?
Turns out it was a pyramid scheme.

You must be logged in to post a comment Login

Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!