Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?
A man with authority walks into a bar.
He orders everyone a round.
A star-struck young lady was invited to a Hollywood Christmas party. She spied a star she was sure she knew and went up to him.
“I’m a huge fan!” she said. “Could I touch your neck?”
The actor stepped back and said, “What are you talking about?”
She blurted, “Aren’t you Zach Woods?”
“No, I’m James Woods!” he answered with some annoyance.
“I’m so sorry,” she confessed. “I guess I was in the wrong neck of the woods.”
• Lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don’t really care anymore.
• I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
• Kids in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
• It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.”
The rancher says, “Okay, but do not go in that field over there.”
“Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me,” he replies as he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.
“See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish. On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear?”
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer being chased by the rancher’s big bull. The officer is terrified.
The rancher runs to the fence and yells, “Your Badge. Show him your Badge!”
• Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
• If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
• Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
• Why do “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing? Same with “fat chance” and “slim chance.”
• Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
I can’t afford to do an Ancestry DNA test to find out about my relatives. Instead I just posted online that I had won the lottery.
In the 1970’s, I fell off my bicycle and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because we did not have social media back then.
• Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
• My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we don’t know where the heck he is.
• I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
• The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
• I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
• I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.
• If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
• Did you hear about the $3 million Mississippi State Lottery? The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
• How do you know when you’re staying in a Mississippi hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, “I gotta leak in my sink,” and the clerk replies, “Go ahead.”
• How can you tell if a Mississippi redneck is married?
There’s dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.
• Did you hear that they raised the minimum drinking age in Mississippi to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
• Where was the toothbrush invented? Mississippi. If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.
• A Mississippi State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-65 and says to the driver, “Got any I.D.?”
The driver replies, “Bout wut?”
What did you buy your husband for his birthday?”
“Well, knowing he wanted a journal, I bought him one that locked since he’s so particular about his notes.”
“And surely you bought something for yourself too?”
“Of course! I made myself a duplicate key.”
• Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?
• Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?
My friend is losing his mind over missing a piece of his 5000 piece puzzle.
If he thinks thats bad, I’m missing 4999 pieces.